Tall Building - Branches EP

Okay so according to this band's website, Tall Buildings are a band from some part of the world who write songs about shit in the woods with ukuleles. That sounds fucking gay, but stick with me here.

The first song, "Little Bird" recalls the smooth and mighty vocal stylings of Jeff Mangum on songs like Neutral Milk Hotel's "Communist Daughter." "Spirit In The Sky" is a dark rumination on life and mortality and just why we're all here.

Despite the diverse subject matter and musical styles on this album, there seems to be a constant theme: mixtapes. "Mixtape On Your Bed" finds the narrator in the bedroom of a girl he likes, whom he is unable to admit his true feelings. He leaves a mixtape on her bed (and huffs some of her perfume and maybe smells some of her socks), hoping that she'll find it and listen to it. It has a strong sense of optimism and is one of the most beautiful songs I've heard all year.

"The Sun" is almost as bright as the actual song, with a strong melody sung with with ecstatic glee into the heavens. "Calculator, See Ya Later" is a very melancholy song, with lyrics, again, bringing back strong memories of Jeff Mangum at his Aeroplane Best.

Up to this point, it is already a great album (strongest of 2010 so far, I'd say), but the end is where the best song lies; "Dee Dee Dee" is an energetic and joyful celebration of music and life and nature and dees. Kazoos and 8 part vocal harmonies build into a giant, swelling vortex of beauty.

It is recommended that you listen to this album. Immediately.

Final Score:
10/10

Link to where you can listen to the whole thing for free.

K-os - Yes!

To-day I am reviewing an album unlike any album before it like seriously in the history of all the shitty music we've reviewed here at CMCG (not CBCG ahaha) this album is different. For one thing, it's ACTUALLY GOOD. Now the single off this album or at least what I'm going to call the single because I like it the best and I obviously decide what songs are successful singles and whats arent cuz hey, i know music!!

So yeah the single is called "I Wish I Knew Natalie Portman" and while that bitch has no titties and liking her is kinda ghey I have to give K-Os some credit for this track. Not only did he steal all the music from a shitty fayglo jam by the band Phallus Planut, but he actually made it sound good! It's also a plus that the video features black cowboys on a road trip with a bag with space inside it or something. I don't know man, I just love black people.

The Natalie Portman Jam is actually so good I don't even have to listen to the rest of the CD to tell you it's easily the best thing I've heard all year, maybe in the history of this review site. (In secret I'm afraid that if I give this CD a negative review, K-os will shoot me because black people are suspicious, but please keep that on the dee elle!)

The following is a short list of ten reasons I love this CD:

1. Black people are cool.

2. Stealing is cool.

3. Black people stealing things is cool.

4. The color red is cool, and the CD cover uses a lot of it.

5. Not getting shot is cool.

6. Connecting with the roots of African American culture(stealing shit) is cool.

7 - 10. At least it isn't fallout boy.

So with those accounted for I will rate this CD:

Fi-... TEN/10

Rouge Wave - PETALIGHT

O-kay so the music CD I will be reviewing today is pretty interesting. And by interesting I mean thoroughly gaysexual and probably not worth your time unless you like phallic imagery and bitches falling off waterfalls or something.

Back in like 2004 I reviewed the band Owl Shitty befoer any body knew who they were so people knew they sucked. Well this band Rogue Light is a lot like Octagon Pussy because they take an ALREADY SHITTY BAND and make it gayer. The band I am refererering to is Death Crabs For Cutie. The vocalist from this band Rogue Wick (that's a dick joke) is probably the same vocalist from Death Panels just ripping himself off like a money grubbing asshole.

Now this is far from the worst or even most gayest CD I've reviewed for this website (you guys have put me through a lot of shit) but let me just say it's pretty bad. I mean any time a CD has a song on it named after the album or the album is named after the song or some bullshit like that the CD is automatically bad for several reasons. Number one it is just confusing to refer to this CD PERMALIT and also the song PERMALIT without people being like "Hey dude did you mean PERMALIT the CD or Permalit the song" to which the best response would be "FUCK IT LET'S PLAY SOME FOOTBALL" so maybe they could have called the CD something else like Unhetero Jams Vol. 2 or just GAY SHIT. The second reason is it's probably intentionally confusing because unheteros are generally confused themselves by the way sexuality works (you can't make a baby with two dicks fellas) so they want to confuse you too with their shitty music.

Luckily, there is one way you could easily counteract the clever trickery of these unsavory homosexuals.

DON'T BUY THEIR ALBUM.

Now you might say to yourself "But as a straight male, if I and a bunch of other straight males buy their music, maybe the band will SELL OUT and become STRAIGHT to appeal to us even more." But no dude you're fucking wrong. If you buy this CD in hopes of turning the band straight, they will use their nine volume catalog of dick in male ass tricks to cause you to go gay for them and eveyr other fucking dipshit with a fo hawk so just don't fucking do it. I almost feel like an unhetero for even reviewing this CD but luckily I put my HUGE COCK in so many TIGHT PUSSIES that I couldn't go gay even if I wanted to.

Which I don't.

Ever.

In my life.

So moving right along I guess since I've accuritly and unbyeassedly reflected on the positives (nothing) and negatives (gay ass shit) of this CD I can give it a final score.

/10

Owen Pallett - Heartland

Okay so Heartland is the first album by Owen Pallett. I guess before this he made music for shitty Final Fantasy games. This is the first I've heard of him, but I guess that's because I'm not a nerd who plays RPGs and touches his penis to tentacle monsters and Japan like this guy.

I guess this is a concept album. I read that somewhere, but I forget where. It sounds like a concept album anyway. Or a fucking opera. OOH STRINGS SO DRAMATIC. LOOK IT'S PETER PAN ON A TIGHTROPE.

Gay.

"Mount Alpentine" is a pretty cool track. There are these really loud strings and the dude is yelling really loud so you can hear him over it. Too bad it's only like 40 seconds long, and when he finally gets through the giant cloud of strings and other bullshit he goes back to meandering along, mumbling over more orchestra shit. Wait, no, THERE SEEMS TO BE SOME SORT OF SYNTHESIZER. SO SPECIAL.

"Lewis Takes Action" is actually pretty alright. There's actually drums in it, and Pallett actually sings (kind of) on it. It actually sounds kind of like a song and not just a giant mass of Cats and Les Miserabadkfsfv garbage.

"The Great Elsewhere" consists of a bunch of beeping and booping. Fucking bori-HOLY SHIT THESE DRUMS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. Okay nevermind this song is kind of awesome. I feel kind of dirty enjoying it though.

Okay the next song is kind of boring and not good. Thank God.

"Lewis Takes Off His Shirt" (while being a super gay song title) is an alright song. There are drums and, uh, wait a fucking minute. How far am I lowering my standards if I'm saying that every song I hear with drums is good just because there are drums? No, fuck you, I'm on to you, Owen Pallett, and you will not get away with this bullshit with me. I'm not even going to listen to the rest of this album. I'm so mad I think I will go outside and beat the shit out of the first small child I run into. And it's all your fault, Owen Pallett. FUCK YOU.

Final Score:
4/10

Vampire Weekend - Contra

Hello! This is Cameron Clarke, posting his first cool guy review in like 3 months. "Why haven't you posted anything in so long?" Well, you see, I've been living in the woods like Bon Iver, eating only what I kill and wiping the shit off my ass with tree bark. I am back now though, so don't worry.

Vampire Weekend is an indie rock band or some shit I guess. This is their new album and for some reason they have Britney Spears on their album cover. This album doesn't sound anything like Britney Spears. Unfortunately (I say that because this shit is even gayer than Britney Spears).

The first song, "Horchata" is a song about drinking some shit called horchata. If that's anything like chai tea, these people are even gayer than I thought, but I'ma give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that horchata is really just a really obscure brand of rum or tequila or something, and the song is about doing shots of it with lots of cocaine.

"California English" is a pretty sweet song, but only because there's assloads of autotune. I bet if this dude sang without autotune it would sound like wet dicks.

Also, what's with this band and their "ooooooh"ing in the background? Who the fuck do they think they are? The Arcade Fire? Does Vampire Weekend think they're in Where the fucking Wild Things Are?

Another thing I do not like about this album is how some of the tracks start off mid-verse and end mid-chorus. Like "oh look at me I'm so avante garde" well fuck you, asshole, it's just shitty. Of course the rip I got off soulseek could just be fucked, but I'ma give soulseek the benefit of the doubt and assume that everything I get from it is perfect and any faults in the album can be blamed on the band.

Anyway, overall, this album is kind of shitty. I mean, yeah, cool, beepy boopy, shitty drums, blah, blah, I get it. I got it on the first album, which wasn't very good either. But hey, what do you expect from a band named after a Twilight book?

Final score:
4.3/10

My Review Of Isaac Asse.

Recently it has come to my attenshin that referreeing to black people as black people has suddenly become RACSIST.

I would like to personally think Isaac Asse for letting me know the grave misstep I made in my re-view of that new shitty Godzillas album in refefrering to the black people that appear on that album as black people and not just people.

Since we heer at Cool Music For Cool Guys are fair and balanced reviewers of soshil media in audiologikal form I thought it would be fitting that I reeward mister Asse with a review of his review blog as repayment for him letting me know what a racsit fucktard I am.

Let me start off by saying that Issic is a confirmed unheterosexual, but I am going to try and give him a fare reviewing desprite that.

Isaac is a self proclammed Media Journalist which basically means he is a stupid fucktard who sits at his computer and types reviews for shit nobody really cares about and then pretends people will actually read them when he posts them to his .blogspot.com. Alex and I are a lot alike. I like him. I don't like Isaac.

Mr. Ass usually reviews albums by bands that suck and a couple bands that don't suck. My biggest problem with Isaac is that being that he is a huge faggot, he usually judges an album completely wrongly, giving grade A arteests like the White Stripes FUCKS/20 and gay ass retards like Scroobious Peep (Who the fuck is that?) 10/9s.

Now if you're smart like me which you probably aren't you came to the obvious conclusion that Mr. Asse is being paid off by all of these uncouth GAY MUSICIANS to give them positive reviews and bash their competition. By being paid off I mean fucked in his gay hole.

My other huge complain with Ivan is that he claims I am a racist. Work with me here Arturo, you're saying you read all of my other reviews liked them and you came to this one and didn't like it just because I used the words "black people" like three or fourteen times max? What about all the unhetero bashing I do?

I feel like that should bother you more since you are obviously a complete and total FAGGOT.

Oh well, this is exactly what I'd expect from some unhetero tool douchebag who probably doesn't like football hockey beernuts or hooters.

FINAL SCORE:

QUEERBAIT/10

Gorillaz - Bullshit Beach.

Sup sup y'all, it'z yoru bboy ERIN E-SURANCE LOL back again to rate another unhetero album that nobody likes. This time around we got Gorillaz new album At The Beach and let me just say BOY OH BOY MONKEES YOU FUCKED UP!

I feel sorry for the Godzillas because they decided to actually mail me a copy of this steaming pile of shit in the hopes of me giving it an A Plus Out Of Ten or some shit but they should've known that isn't my got dam style.

Let me just say their first album Nutellas was a pretty good attempt at making something that doesn't sound like shit, and their second CD Demon Dicks had that one song with Jay-Z or one of those other black guys who rhymes words because he doesn't know how to sing that was A-Okay. Feel Gay, Inc. or something it was called.

But this album... This album is SHIT.

There's only one song on it that doesn't make me want to fucking SHOOT MYSELF and even that one is called SUPERFAG JELLYFISH.

Most of the songs are so fucking boring I turned them on,

Walked away,

Read a book,

Walked back,

Took a nap,
And was still only halfway through the boring monotonal shit of this CD.

One of the songs Stylish is just a single loop of music OVER AND OVER AGAIN with very slight variations and with different black people sounding like black people over it. FUCKING STUPID.

I think the Gunkillas really played a big joke on their fans with this CD but they didn't fool me any.

SELLOUTS.

FINAL SCORE:

GAYRILLAZ/10