Owl City - Ocean Eyes

O-kay here it is my review of Hoot Village's new CD Oh Sean Ayes. Now let me just say there is a multiple tude of problems and bonueses to trhis CD that many people will either like or FUCKING HATE. Me personaly I might like the musica if this dude wasn't such a raging FAYGET. I mean come on buddy insomnia is not your musical inspiration its money you dipshyt.

Basically this listening CD listening to it is a lot like putting your ear down on a plate of pancakes it's very syrupy but after I while you will feel awkward and a little unhetero. Many other people use words like vibrant lush multilayered fascinating inspirational awe inspiring and cool but not me because I'm not a huge FUCKING HOMO. Basically its just sum dude who sat down in his basement with a K C O and was like hey look at me MTV I make music too and then MTV was actually fucking stupid enough to give him a record contract and a rap video with bitches in it only this faggot does not make good music about shooting people he makes BULLSHIT about not being able to sleep.

Here is one example of some of the lyrics on this CD Hello Seattle I am an albatross.

Are you fucking kidding me Conor Obherst? First of all shout out to all my dudes in Seattle who DEFINITELY AREN't GHEY ENOUGH TO LIKE THIS CRAP. Second you are obviously not an albatross because an albatross doesn't know how to sing you douche.

Never before have I ever been mailed a CD to review for free (of course I didn't pay for this garbage) only to put it in my 1989 CD Player and have it FUCKING LIE TO ME.

Srsly.

I might not be so mad about this CD totally sucking GOAT COCK if this guy wasn't like a quadruple platinum artist with this BS. I mean I work hard on music every single day and have only made like 2 dolalrs off my music but this loltard cna make as much off his CD as McDonald's makes in a week are you fucking kidding me?

FINAL SCORE:

FAST FOOD WAGES/10

Morningwood - Diamonds and Studs

Okay so Morningwood is the side project of Lady GaGa, a tranny married to the guy from My Chemical Romance. They make "powerpop" that sounds like some "I'm a Barbie Girl in a Barbie World" TRL shit from the '90s. Apparently they have a new album, and this is it.

The first song, "Best of Me" is catchy I guess. Lady GaGa's vocals are kind of annoying on it, but the lyrics are good at least. Just kidding, I don't know what the lyrics are about. Actually, I heard something about "pointing and clicking" so I'm guessing it's a song about looking at porn, which is gross. Just imagine, as you're listening to this music, a tranny looking at porn. What kind of porn? Probably tranny porn. Or do you think trannies look at regular porn? Either way, it's sick.

The next couple songs follow the same formula as that song. Drums and guitars and GaGa squeaking away. Thankfully though, 5 tracks in, we get the beautiful "Snobby Little Elf" a song that opens with some fantastic piano playing and GaGa singing the best lyrics on the album "Hold me closer Tiny Dancer/Count the headlights on the highway/Lay me down in sheets of linen/You had a busy day today" he/she belts out in the chorus. By far the best song of the year. And you'd better have a kleenex ready for this one folks, because the song is a real tearjerker.

Unfortunately, the rest of the album follows the same formula as the first 4 songs; somewhat catchy, somewhat obnoxious powerpop.

The last track is the worst on the album, which is weird since the last track on the album is supposed to be the best. It's called "Cat In A Box" and describes the singer dropping a kitten into a steel box full of sharp objects and listening as it squirms and suffocates to death. Someone really needs to call PETA on this man/woman before he/she hurts more animals for the sake of music. Maybe it would be worth it if more of said music was more like "Snobby Little Elf," but it's not, so why do it? Disgusting.

Final score:
3.7/10

Bowerbirds - Upper Air

Okay so Upper Air is the second album by the Bowerybirds. They're from North Carolina or some other bullshit Carolina I think. Who cares.

First of all, the coolest thing about this album is the cover art. And even that is a generic ass picture taken from the window of a plane flying over some fucking clouds. I bet the Bowerybirds (who are hipster as fuck) thought "WHOA LOOK AT THIS NATURE PICTURE IT WOULD BE A GREAT ALBUMS COVER WE'LL BE SO HIP" well guess what, motherfuckers? It's not hip. It's gay, and you're a queer for thinking it's cool.

The music itself is your usual hipster garbage. Terrible recording quality, OMgEXoTic instruments like accordions and some guy mumbling and yelling while banging on his acoustic guitar. I get it dude, you're indie. Happy now, indie man? I bet you fucking are you asshole.

Oh yeah, there's a chick singer too. Her name is "Beth Tacular" (fake hipster name), and she is the worst female vocalist I have heard since that bitch from the Sonic Youths or whatever. Tone-deaf and squeaky. Gross.

Also, their lyrics are dumb hippie shit. "DON'T HURT NATURE AND EAT ANIMALS"- direct quote from one of the songs. I don't know which one, but believe me, I'm telling the truth. Their lyrics are really that goddamn dumb and preachy. I bet they don't really even care about nature. They're just pretending to for indie cred. Despicable.

Overall, this album is really bad, but you'll probably like it if you blindly enjoy everything certain hipster indie guy blogs that rhyme with bitchcork tell you to.

Final score:
2.5/10

Even Ecks Outrage - The Moon Strikes Back Before 2012

O-kay today your B-Boy Ellen Sanchez Mysinger is taking on a very controverisial album by the band Uncle Oddrage or something like that. The band is helmed by my friend Nils Rasmussen (he likes to be called Ed during sexual intercourse) and they have been pretty good so far but this new album takes things into a whole new world, a dazzling place I never knew. But when you're way up here it's crystal clear that all is not right in Uncle Xrage ville.

Now I will be the first person to tell you this, the Casadilla Album by Even U Odd is one of my favoritest CDs to date with tracks like Superbowl that talk about how you're gay if you don't like the superbowl and the song Astronaught which is about being the most pro professional ever. I mean it's just a catchy CD with the most minimal amount of unhetero material. Quite a lot of bang for you bucks if you put it on for some doe if you feel me bro.

So anyway it is surprised me to find out that Nils (Or Ed) decided to make his music a lot more shitty and generic in this endealor than in previous works such as The Early Yeast. Basically he took at all the cool FX like Nine Inch Nails had and replaced them with PENIS. Basically it is like if Mindless Self Indulgence (gays) and Blink 182 (old washed up gays) made a CD together and decided to call it "SHIT NOBODY WANTS TO LISTEN PART 2: THE MOON LIKES BLACKS." To be honest there is nothing wrong with black people unless they like this CD because liking this CD means you are a failure of a man. The only person who really lieks it is Nils/Ed/Todd/Whateverhtefuckhisnameis, and even he doesn't like it too much. I mean, that dummy is giving it away for free! Really, it's so bad he has to give it away because no one would pay for it because you might as well pay for a razorblade to cut your dick off with before you drop 50 bones on this horrible garbage.

But since the CD is free and I like free things I will now be giving it a 10.

PSYCHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

So Bad You Should Have Paid ME To Listen To It/10


UNCLE OUTRAGE'S SHITTY MYSPACE!

A BETTER BAND ED IS IN!

Weezer - Raditude

Okay, so this is the first Weezer album I've listened to. I'm not gonna bother telling you who they are, since apparently fucking everyone knows who they are and listens the shit out of their albums except me.

First of all, the album cover and title are both amazing and probably the only reason why I decided to listen to this. Probably a good call, because this album is awesome.

Actually, I didn't listen to the album at all (apparently they stopped streaming the whole thing on their MySpace page), but I am going to rate this album based on the album cover and album title alone, which is

Final score:
10/10

Rammstein - Liebe Ist Für Alle Da

So it's been a couple years since Rammstein blessed us with their last full-length album, Rosenrot (the highlight of which being a song in fucking Mexican, but that was basically an album of b-sides so fuck you). If you expected them to get shittier or something, well, nah.

If you heard the "Pussy" single (with its amazing video) that was released last month, you'd know that this album was going to be fucking ca$h as all hell.

It opens with "Rammlied" which I guess is a kind of alright song, but it works well as an opener, pretty much telling you what the fuck to expect. BIG GUITARS, TILL SINGING ALL DEEP LIKE HE'S TRYING TO SOUND LIKE HIMSELF BACK IN '98 OR SOME SHIT, GERMAN LYRICS ABOUT BUTT RAPE etc., etc.

That's pretty much the album right there, though there are a couple parts that really stick out, like "Früling In Paris", which is nice as fuck (think "Seeman" or "Ohne Dich" type shit), and "Pussy" which is still the best song ever.

"Roter Sand", the last song on the album is pretty nice too, but most Rammstein album enders are nice, so that's kind of a given. I could do without the fucking 98989 alternate variations of it in the bonus tracks, but whatever.

Overall, fuck yes, this album rules.

Final score:
9.2/10

PS. If you are wondering why I actually kind of (half-assed) reviewed this album instead of, you know, just kind of talking about Nazis and German shephards and shit, uh, you know. Probably has something to do with sleep deprevigiationvcv.

Also Rammstein is srs business guys.

Dead Man's Bones - Dead Man's Bones

Okay so first off, Dead Man's Bones is a band that consists of two shitty actors no one has ever heard of before. I've read a few internet articles about them and they're all "holy shit, listen to this band, the band members are actors who were in a couple movies that were in select theaters for a full weekend a piece and also a children's choir! How wacky!"

So I guess these actors decided "let's make a fucking Halloween album because our other completely original idea, doing a Christmas album, was stolen by Bob Dylan!" A Halloween album is exactly what this is, and a boring one at that. I guess it's supposed to be creepy or some shit, but it's not. I'm not scared of the Haunted Mansion Disney ride (I AM scared of the shitty Eddie Murphy movie based on the ride, but for completely different reasons). Are you? Exactly. It would take a real pussy to be scared of this music, and I am no pussy. You might be a pussy, but I am not a pussy, okay? Okay. Fuck.

What about the actual music and songwriting? Well, it's kind of shitty. I mean, it sounds like some gay Nightmare Before Christmas shit. What are we, Hot Topic-shopping mallgoths? Fuck no, we're cool guys who buy our clothes and music from Wal-Mart like every other real American hero. This is not music for real American heroes, this is music for traitors to our country. The singer even sounds like a brit (which is never good).

Overall, it is boring and for goth kids, but some of it is kind of nice if you're listening to it on Halloween maybe.

Final score:
3/10

Note: the score would have been 4/10, but there is that children's choir thing, and children are lame and no one likes them.