Baby Giraffes - Fucking Sucks

So I was just emailed a link to this album called Fucking Sucks by a band called Baby Giraffes. This is a good title for this album, and I am going to tell you why: this fucking sucks.

My first thought upon listening to this was "why are Blink-182 selling out and using synthesizers like fuckin Britney Spears? Don't they have any self-respect left?" but then I remembered everything Blink did after that album about getting Enemas, and decided that no, they didn't have any self-respect. But then I heard these dudes rapping and noticed that "holy shit, this band isn't Blink at all."

I dunno what the lyrics are about (not that this ebonics trash is even real English), but this song I'm listening to right now is called "Pine Boys" which sounds like the title of a VHS tape passed around in the mail by shady pedophiles through PO boxes and shit.

These songs are catchy though. At least they have that going for them. "Giraffe Party" being a good example of that, with the brilliant chorus of "DO A LITTLE DANCE AND HAVE LOTS OF FUN, BABY GIRAFFES ARE NUMBER ONE/MAKE A LITTLE NOISE AND HAVE LOTS OF SEX, BABY GIRAFFES ARE THE FUCKING BEST!" What exactly they are the best at is unknown, but they seem pretty confident of this. Maybe they are the best at thinking they're the best? Ha ha ha.

There are some other songs about Yu-Gi-Oh cards or something, I dunno. I asked my friend (aka some random faggot I ran into on the internet) what he/she (I'm unsure of this person's gender) thought of this band, and s/he said "it sounds like Mindless Self Indulgence mixed with Hollywood Undead" and while I'm not too into it, I don't hate it enough to compare it to fucking MSI.

And holy shit, I just got to the song "Magical Sea Donkey" and good God, I'm actually glad for once that I blanked out typing this and started paying attention to the lyrics. This is probably the best educational song I've heard since the Magic School Bus and Reading Rainbow bullshit. I was immersed in the historical storyline of the song, and I'm betting you will too.

I was kind of iffy on this whole thing, but "Magical Sea Donkey" bumps this shit up by a couple points.

Final Score:
7.7/10

You can listen to the whole thing here for free. You can pay to download the mp3s but, like, who actually does that anyway? NOT ME. I'M A BLOG WRITER, MOTHERFUCKER. I GET THIS SHIT FOR FREE. I'm sure this band would use the money for meth and handjobs from 15 year old girls anyway.

Tall Building Box Set

A couple weeks ago, Tall Building dropped an A-Bomb on the indie world: an announcement that the band would be breaking up. Fans worldwide expressed shock and horror, even going so far as organizing protests and rioting. I personally made a trip across the country, from Bethlehem, New Hampshire to Olympia, Washington, the home town of most of the members of Tall Building.

I tried several times to track down the former members of Tall Building to ask them why they would do this to the world. To ask them if what was broken could be fixed, but I got mostly voicemails and some long, confusing directions from family members that took me on a wild goose chase to nowhere in particular. I finally gave up on my quest, but before I left, decided to pay a visit to Birdie McSun's grave to pay my respects and thank him for all the beautiful music he had given us (and for apparently holding the band together for so long).

When I got there, Aspie Lispen was lying on Birdie's grave, drinking something out of a bottle inside of a paper bag. His face was covered in beard and dirt. He told me that he'd been staying here, in this very spot, for weeks now. Apparently he took Birdie's death harder than the other members. He explained that occasionally Twee-Pain, one of the only neutral members of the band (as well as the last of Aspie's remaining friends) would stop by and bring him some veggie burgers so he didn't die of starvation. He wouldn't tell me where he used the restroom. He responded to most of my questions about the band with incoherent ramblings. I eventually decided that I'd had enough of this. I didn't want to see my musical hero at rock bottom, so I decided to leave. Before I could go, he grabbed me by my shirt collar and whispered into my ear. The smell of alcohol was heavy and it was making me sick, but when I heard what he was telling me, I ceased to notice.

I thanked him for this information and ran as fast as I could.

Soon enough, I was where it all started; Exploring the woods behind Kimya Dawson's house. I found the markings the band members left on their nature walks those fateful 2 months ago. Within a few hours I came to the clearing where the band recorded their first two releases, Branches and Sailboats in the Forest. Only it wasn't a clearing anymore. There was a tent pitched there. I approached the campsite slowly, but on one step, I felt a rope tighten around my foot as I was flung upside-down into the air.

A couple minutes later, an old man exited the tent, dressed in silky golden robes. He asked what I was doing here, and I told him what Aspie had told me: that I was here to find the Lost Treasure of Tall Building, and that his tent was right on top of its supposed location. But he didn't seem surprised when I told him this. He smiled. "I know" he said, "that is why I'm here. You see, I am the biggest Tall Building fan alive, and I have been here since the release of Sailboats in the Forest, looking for any scraps the band have left behind to add to my collection. I had zero luck until today. While digging, I hit something solid. I carefully uncovered it and found a box full of tapes. You actually got here as soon as I was playing them back. Would you care to listen with me?" I said yes and entered the old man's tent.

There he played for me the most wondrous musical creations I had ever heard. Some songs were beautiful. Some songs were honest. Some were beautiful AND honest. I was amazed and asked if I could buy them, but he outright refused, saying that these were his and his alone. I could beg and offer money as much as I pleased, but he would not budge. That was when I decided that drastic measures had to be taken.

I removed the cassette tape from my jean pocket. The old man looked at me confused until I showed him the label. It read Neutral Milk Hotel - Runaway Slave written in red crayon by Jeff Mangum himself. This was the lost Neutral Milk Hotel album, recorded before On Avery Island, only heard by Jeff Mangum, a man named Alfred Hybrid (who was viciously beaten and killed when his house was raided for the lost NMH tapes in early 2008), and myself. It was hard parting with this tape, but in the end it was worth it. In fact, I actually feel kind of bad for the old man, because was clearly ripped off.

So now I'm back at home, uploading these songs for you, the deserving public. Tall Building may be gone (for now), but maybe they can live on a little longer in our hearts with help from these recordings.

SO NOW READERS AND LISTENERS, I PRESENT TO YOU, THE TALL BUILDING BOX SET!