Rammstein - Pussy (Single)

Okay, so Rammstein is a band. They are from Germany. They sing in German. This is their new single.

So first of all, look at the fucking cover art. It is amazing. Now imagine that cover art in musical form. That is pretty much what you get with this nice new single.

"Pussy" finds Rammstein at their lyrical best, dropping poetic lines such as "steck bratwurst in dein sauerkraut" and the A+++++ chorus of "You've got a pussy/I've got a dickuh/so what's the problem?/Let's do it quick!"

Musically, it is also some of their best, their mallgoth-pandering guitar chugging replaced with cool keyboards and poppy guitars.

The b-side, Rammlied, on the other hand, is more of the same Herzeleid bullshit. I had read somewhere that they were trying to go back to the sound of that album, which is dumb because that album sucked save, like, 3 songs.

Anyway, not even that shit can bring "Pussy" down, and because of that,

Final Score:
99999999999999999/10


Also, you can watch the AMAZING FUCKING VIDEO for "Pussy" here. It is recommended that you watch it at work, with your employer looking at what you're doing over your shoulder.

Grizzly Bear - Veckatimest

Okay so Grizzly Bear is an indie band from the United States, and they make, uh, I don't even know what kind of music. Let's just stick with indie.

If you're a hipster, you probably remember Grizzly Bear from a couple years ago when they released their album Yellow House, which hipsters loved the shit out of (even though it was just a bunch of fucking oooohs and aaaahs with reverb up da butt).

Well Veckatimest is Grizzly Bear's fourth album. Actually it might be the third. I don't know. If you care so much go look at wikipedia or something. Anyway, this album is a pretty big improvement from Yellow House. And by that, I mean there are actual songs with melodies now and not just a a bunch of echoey bullshit.

That's not to say the album is not boring, however. This shit drags on for like an hour. Apparently they never get tired of whispering and oohing and aahing, but I sure do. If they could have made this album about half as long it would have probably been twice as good.

Highlights include "Two Weeks" and "While You Wait For The Others." And by that I mean they're the only real highlights. Only real catchy songs in like an hour of mediocre garbage. And, like, are they even really that good? NO. Fucking oohs and aahs. EVERYWHERE.

Anyway, here are the pros and cons of this albums:

Pros:
- Hipster bitches love it. I bet the singer gets more pussy in a week than you will in your entire life. And that fucking sucks.

Cons:
- It's not good.

Overall, Final Score:
BOOOOO, AAAAHHH/10

OM - God is Good

I do not condone drug use, but I think in order for you to enjoy this album by indie rock band OM, you will have to be on drugs.

The first song is called "Thebes" and it is like a half hour long. That's right, apparently this band thought it would be a great idea to write a long ass song about an Egyptian king. Not only is it long, but it is also boring. Is it really too much to ask for for a band to write a long song that isn't just repeating the same shit over and over again? They go all electric with drums and shit like halfway through, but that is pretty predictable and not really much change at all. I dunno, shit's just not prog enough for my sophisticated taste I guess.

The vocals sound like the guy from the Sex Pistols, meaning they suck. This is shit we hear way too much in indie rock, and I really wish these stupid brits would just lay off and go back to making tea and crumpets and shit and leave the music to the real American heroes.

Also, the guitar sounds like shit in all these songs. They're clearly going for an "indie Metallica" kind of thing, but you just can't do that when your guitar sounds so fuzzy and bad. It's like they just plugged their guitars directly into their sound cards and let the natural sound card distortion distort their guitars.

The lyrics are alright I guess. Wait, no, they're probably not. I don't know, I didn't pay attention to them. I bet they're about Egypt and Diablo II and those Brendan Frasier Mummy movies anyway.

Anyway, I think I will copy Mr. Mysinger for this review and give the album two separate scores.

Final Score:
4.6/10

Final Score ON DRUGS:
7.5/10

Volcano Choir - Unmap

Okay, so at this point I am getting sick of all these fucking band guys making albums under band names other than their main bands that sound just like stuff their main bands would make. I feel like I have only reviewed like 3 bands total here, with 98988989 variations of those bands. God damn.

Anyway, I guess Jon Bon Iver (of indie band Bon Iver) thought it would be funny to make a Bon Iver record under a name other than Bon Iver. It's not even a funny joke, it's like he just wanted to screw up people's last.fm charts.

This is pretty much the same folky Bon Iver shit you would expect. Lots of acoustic guitars, lots of reverb, lots of multitracked vocal harmonies, lots of beard, etc., etc. The only difference I hear is the addition of little electronic beeps and boops and the complete absence of real words (actual lyrics from one of the songs: "skibbity squee squeee squibble squib"). I know no one could understand what he was saying before, but seriously now, what the fuck?

Actually wait, no, there are words in a song. The song is "Still" and the lyrics are taken from an already existing Bon Iver song called "Woods". And it's the same autotuned bullshit repeated for like 20 minutes. And by the lyrics being taken from that song, I mean the whole song was reused. They just added some fancy ebows and drums and shit and called it a whole new song. This is a horrible case of song recycling, and I can not honestly support this type of fraud.

Do not buy this album. Download it! But don't listen to it.

Final score:
2.7/10

The XX - XX

Okay so I wasn't even going to listen to this album until someone told me to. "It is awesome and you will love it, Cameron" this person said. This person might have been smoking crack. I am not sure. But I do know that person is a fucking asshole for recommending this bullshit to me.

First off: Chick vocals. They always suck and are always boring and generic (unless we're talking, like, Carole King).

Second: Bored male and female vocals. Fuck this. If I wanted to watch Juno and listen to a Moldy Sonic Peachy Youth record I would listen to that.

Third: Shitty band names. It took me like an hour to find the fucking album cover for this. I mostly got porn. I bet when they were naming the band and album they thought "golly gee, naming us after porn will be so clever and funny" but jokes on you, assholes, I like porn.

Those things aside, this record is kind of nice in a "will make hipster bitches wet" sort of way. I can't see many dudes listening to this album (and enjoying it).

As you listen to this album, you will probably notice "doesn't this sound like that awful Peter Paul and Bjork band with that stupid whistle song people were shitting themselves over a couple years ago?" Well know that you are not alone. I would accuse of this band being that band, but unlike with those other guys, I have actually made it halfway through one of their albums before feeling an intense desire to turn it off punch the first person I saw in the face. So basically this band is better. Not by much though.

I mean, yeah, I get it, drum machines and acoustic instruments, whispery dreamy vocals, reverb up the ass, etc., etc. It would be cool to focus entirely on the sound and not the songwriting if you were actually doing something new, but these dudes aren't. They are just being boring. That's alright I guess, if you're into boring, which apparently a lot of people are.

Final Score:
3.14/10

The Mountain Goats - The Life of the World To Come

Okay, so for all of you who do not know the Mountain Goats, they are an indie folk band fronted by Weird Al Yankovic under the alias "John Daniel." I don't know why the fuck he is bothering to use an alias when you can tell from his voice that it's him singing. Why not just release this shit under his real name? I don't know and I don't think he does either.

Anyway, the album is about the bible, which I personally I think is gay because Christians are stupid and Jesus didn't really exist yeah I am an athiest, you have a problem? Because I will defend my beliefs with all my heart you Christian pig.

But that aside, the album is an interesting mixture of folk music and rock music. I could maybe see myself enjoying this if Weird Al would just lay off the funny voices while singing. Total buzzkill.

Something I don't like is that the song "Genesis 3:23" is totally a lyrically ripoff of Barenaked Ladies' "The Old Apartment" which is dumb. Nostalgia songs make me want to punch people in their necks and backs and pussies and cracks all at the same time.

Another thing I do not like is how all the songs sound the same. I dunno, couldn't Al have put one of those polka songs everyone loves on this to switch shit up? I know it's not technically a Weird Al album, but this guy's gotta know what we expect of him by now, and dammit, he was put on this earth to entertain us.

Anyway, overall it is a pretty good album. The instruments are nice and the songs are also nice. Weird Al just needs to learn to write some better lyrics. It sounds like he's reading a book over instruments. Goddamn.

Final score:
7.2/10