Bowerbirds - Upper Air

Okay so Upper Air is the second album by the Bowerybirds. They're from North Carolina or some other bullshit Carolina I think. Who cares.

First of all, the coolest thing about this album is the cover art. And even that is a generic ass picture taken from the window of a plane flying over some fucking clouds. I bet the Bowerybirds (who are hipster as fuck) thought "WHOA LOOK AT THIS NATURE PICTURE IT WOULD BE A GREAT ALBUMS COVER WE'LL BE SO HIP" well guess what, motherfuckers? It's not hip. It's gay, and you're a queer for thinking it's cool.

The music itself is your usual hipster garbage. Terrible recording quality, OMgEXoTic instruments like accordions and some guy mumbling and yelling while banging on his acoustic guitar. I get it dude, you're indie. Happy now, indie man? I bet you fucking are you asshole.

Oh yeah, there's a chick singer too. Her name is "Beth Tacular" (fake hipster name), and she is the worst female vocalist I have heard since that bitch from the Sonic Youths or whatever. Tone-deaf and squeaky. Gross.

Also, their lyrics are dumb hippie shit. "DON'T HURT NATURE AND EAT ANIMALS"- direct quote from one of the songs. I don't know which one, but believe me, I'm telling the truth. Their lyrics are really that goddamn dumb and preachy. I bet they don't really even care about nature. They're just pretending to for indie cred. Despicable.

Overall, this album is really bad, but you'll probably like it if you blindly enjoy everything certain hipster indie guy blogs that rhyme with bitchcork tell you to.

Final score:
2.5/10

Even Ecks Outrage - The Moon Strikes Back Before 2012

O-kay today your B-Boy ERIN E-SURANCE is taking on a very controverisial album by the band Uncle Oddrage or something like that. The band is helmed by my friend Nils Rasmussen (he likes to be called Ed during sexual intercourse) and they have been pretty good so far but this new album takes things into a whole new world, a dazzling place I never knew. But when you're way up here it's crystal clear that all is not right in Uncle Xrage ville.

Now I will be the first person to tell you this, the Casadilla Album by Even U Odd is one of my favoritest CDs to date with tracks like Superbowl that talk about how you're gay if you don't like the superbowl and the song Astronaught which is about being the most pro professional ever. I mean it's just a catchy CD with the most minimal amount of unhetero material. Quite a lot of bang for you bucks if you put it on for some doe if you feel me bro.

So anyway it is surprised me to find out that Nils (Or Ed) decided to make his music a lot more shitty and generic in this endealor than in previous works such as The Early Yeast. Basically he took at all the cool FX like Nine Inch Nails had and replaced them with PENIS. Basically it is like if Mindless Self Indulgence (gays) and Blink 182 (old washed up gays) made a CD together and decided to call it "SHIT NOBODY WANTS TO LISTEN PART 2: THE MOON LIKES BLACKS." To be honest there is nothing wrong with black people unless they like this CD because liking this CD means you are a failure of a man. The only person who really lieks it is Nils/Ed/Todd/Whateverhtefuckhisnameis, and even he doesn't like it too much. I mean, that dummy is giving it away for free! Really, it's so bad he has to give it away because no one would pay for it because you might as well pay for a razorblade to cut your dick off with before you drop 50 bones on this horrible garbage.

But since the CD is free and I like free things I will now be giving it a 10.

PSYCHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

So Bad You Should Have Paid ME To Listen To It/10


UNCLE OUTRAGE'S SHITTY MYSPACE!

A BETTER BAND ED IS IN!

Weezer - Raditude

Okay, so this is the first Weezer album I've listened to. I'm not gonna bother telling you who they are, since apparently fucking everyone knows who they are and listens the shit out of their albums except me.

First of all, the album cover and title are both amazing and probably the only reason why I decided to listen to this. Probably a good call, because this album is awesome.

Actually, I didn't listen to the album at all (apparently they stopped streaming the whole thing on their MySpace page), but I am going to rate this album based on the album cover and album title alone, which is

Final score:
10/10

Rammstein - Liebe Ist Für Alle Da

So it's been a couple years since Rammstein blessed us with their last full-length album, Rosenrot (the highlight of which being a song in fucking Mexican, but that was basically an album of b-sides so fuck you). If you expected them to get shittier or something, well, nah.

If you heard the "Pussy" single (with its amazing video) that was released last month, you'd know that this album was going to be fucking ca$h as all hell.

It opens with "Rammlied" which I guess is a kind of alright song, but it works well as an opener, pretty much telling you what the fuck to expect. BIG GUITARS, TILL SINGING ALL DEEP LIKE HE'S TRYING TO SOUND LIKE HIMSELF BACK IN '98 OR SOME SHIT, GERMAN LYRICS ABOUT BUTT RAPE etc., etc.

That's pretty much the album right there, though there are a couple parts that really stick out, like "Früling In Paris", which is nice as fuck (think "Seeman" or "Ohne Dich" type shit), and "Pussy" which is still the best song ever.

"Roter Sand", the last song on the album is pretty nice too, but most Rammstein album enders are nice, so that's kind of a given. I could do without the fucking 98989 alternate variations of it in the bonus tracks, but whatever.

Overall, fuck yes, this album rules.

Final score:
9.2/10

PS. If you are wondering why I actually kind of (half-assed) reviewed this album instead of, you know, just kind of talking about Nazis and German shephards and shit, uh, you know. Probably has something to do with sleep deprevigiationvcv.

Also Rammstein is srs business guys.

Dead Man's Bones - Dead Man's Bones

Okay so first off, Dead Man's Bones is a band that consists of two shitty actors no one has ever heard of before. I've read a few internet articles about them and they're all "holy shit, listen to this band, the band members are actors who were in a couple movies that were in select theaters for a full weekend a piece and also a children's choir! How wacky!"

So I guess these actors decided "let's make a fucking Halloween album because our other completely original idea, doing a Christmas album, was stolen by Bob Dylan!" A Halloween album is exactly what this is, and a boring one at that. I guess it's supposed to be creepy or some shit, but it's not. I'm not scared of the Haunted Mansion Disney ride (I AM scared of the shitty Eddie Murphy movie based on the ride, but for completely different reasons). Are you? Exactly. It would take a real pussy to be scared of this music, and I am no pussy. You might be a pussy, but I am not a pussy, okay? Okay. Fuck.

What about the actual music and songwriting? Well, it's kind of shitty. I mean, it sounds like some gay Nightmare Before Christmas shit. What are we, Hot Topic-shopping mallgoths? Fuck no, we're cool guys who buy our clothes and music from Wal-Mart like every other real American hero. This is not music for real American heroes, this is music for traitors to our country. The singer even sounds like a brit (which is never good).

Overall, it is boring and for goth kids, but some of it is kind of nice if you're listening to it on Halloween maybe.

Final score:
3/10

Note: the score would have been 4/10, but there is that children's choir thing, and children are lame and no one likes them.

AFI - Crash Love

O-kay sorry it has been forever since I reviewed I have been busy getting laid doing drugs and just generally being more badass than you but o-kay today I am reviewing a CD and well there's a surprise ending with this one let me tell you this is the most reactions a CD has got out of me in a while.

Let me just say as I listened to such timeless hits as Torch Song, Beautiful Thieves, and End Transmission I thought wow this might be the best CD of all year maybe of the last year and a half even so like yeah it's a great CD. Listen to it and you will be shocked by how genuwinely good it is but there is one little problem.

After I finished (that's wut she siad lol) I decided to go and google image search these musical geniuses (AFI? what does that even stand for?) and then guess what I am met with?

A huge collection of pictures of guys that are total fagets I mean good god how cna your music be so good but you can look so gay? I feel like I've been living a lie or something I mean fuck it, I don't like this band, they are faygs and you never heard me I say I liekd them.

Since these guys are obviously unhetero commies I must dock most of their points, musically the CD has a lot of good stuff singing guitars and maybe even drums I am too shocked right now to remember.

One of the memebrs even has some gay Elvis haircut like come on dude maybe in the 1920s lol. I am not gonna bother linking a picture because I would probably get arrested for linking that obamanation on such a high class website as blogspot.

FINAL SCORE:

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-/10

Rammstein - Pussy (Single)

Okay, so Rammstein is a band. They are from Germany. They sing in German. This is their new single.

So first of all, look at the fucking cover art. It is amazing. Now imagine that cover art in musical form. That is pretty much what you get with this nice new single.

"Pussy" finds Rammstein at their lyrical best, dropping poetic lines such as "steck bratwurst in dein sauerkraut" and the A+++++ chorus of "You've got a pussy/I've got a dickuh/so what's the problem?/Let's do it quick!"

Musically, it is also some of their best, their mallgoth-pandering guitar chugging replaced with cool keyboards and poppy guitars.

The b-side, Rammlied, on the other hand, is more of the same Herzeleid bullshit. I had read somewhere that they were trying to go back to the sound of that album, which is dumb because that album sucked save, like, 3 songs.

Anyway, not even that shit can bring "Pussy" down, and because of that,

Final Score:
99999999999999999/10


Also, you can watch the AMAZING FUCKING VIDEO for "Pussy" here. It is recommended that you watch it at work, with your employer looking at what you're doing over your shoulder.