Rammstein - Liebe Ist Für Alle Da

So it's been a couple years since Rammstein blessed us with their last full-length album, Rosenrot (the highlight of which being a song in fucking Mexican, but that was basically an album of b-sides so fuck you). If you expected them to get shittier or something, well, nah.

If you heard the "Pussy" single (with its amazing video) that was released last month, you'd know that this album was going to be fucking ca$h as all hell.

It opens with "Rammlied" which I guess is a kind of alright song, but it works well as an opener, pretty much telling you what the fuck to expect. BIG GUITARS, TILL SINGING ALL DEEP LIKE HE'S TRYING TO SOUND LIKE HIMSELF BACK IN '98 OR SOME SHIT, GERMAN LYRICS ABOUT BUTT RAPE etc., etc.

That's pretty much the album right there, though there are a couple parts that really stick out, like "Früling In Paris", which is nice as fuck (think "Seeman" or "Ohne Dich" type shit), and "Pussy" which is still the best song ever.

"Roter Sand", the last song on the album is pretty nice too, but most Rammstein album enders are nice, so that's kind of a given. I could do without the fucking 98989 alternate variations of it in the bonus tracks, but whatever.

Overall, fuck yes, this album rules.

Final score:
9.2/10

PS. If you are wondering why I actually kind of (half-assed) reviewed this album instead of, you know, just kind of talking about Nazis and German shephards and shit, uh, you know. Probably has something to do with sleep deprevigiationvcv.

Also Rammstein is srs business guys.

Dead Man's Bones - Dead Man's Bones

Okay so first off, Dead Man's Bones is a band that consists of two shitty actors no one has ever heard of before. I've read a few internet articles about them and they're all "holy shit, listen to this band, the band members are actors who were in a couple movies that were in select theaters for a full weekend a piece and also a children's choir! How wacky!"

So I guess these actors decided "let's make a fucking Halloween album because our other completely original idea, doing a Christmas album, was stolen by Bob Dylan!" A Halloween album is exactly what this is, and a boring one at that. I guess it's supposed to be creepy or some shit, but it's not. I'm not scared of the Haunted Mansion Disney ride (I AM scared of the shitty Eddie Murphy movie based on the ride, but for completely different reasons). Are you? Exactly. It would take a real pussy to be scared of this music, and I am no pussy. You might be a pussy, but I am not a pussy, okay? Okay. Fuck.

What about the actual music and songwriting? Well, it's kind of shitty. I mean, it sounds like some gay Nightmare Before Christmas shit. What are we, Hot Topic-shopping mallgoths? Fuck no, we're cool guys who buy our clothes and music from Wal-Mart like every other real American hero. This is not music for real American heroes, this is music for traitors to our country. The singer even sounds like a brit (which is never good).

Overall, it is boring and for goth kids, but some of it is kind of nice if you're listening to it on Halloween maybe.

Final score:
3/10

Note: the score would have been 4/10, but there is that children's choir thing, and children are lame and no one likes them.

AFI - Crash Love

O-kay sorry it has been forever since I reviewed I have been busy getting laid doing drugs and just generally being more badass than you but o-kay today I am reviewing a CD and well there's a surprise ending with this one let me tell you this is the most reactions a CD has got out of me in a while.

Let me just say as I listened to such timeless hits as Torch Song, Beautiful Thieves, and End Transmission I thought wow this might be the best CD of all year maybe of the last year and a half even so like yeah it's a great CD. Listen to it and you will be shocked by how genuwinely good it is but there is one little problem.

After I finished (that's wut she siad lol) I decided to go and google image search these musical geniuses (AFI? what does that even stand for?) and then guess what I am met with?

A huge collection of pictures of guys that are total fagets I mean good god how cna your music be so good but you can look so gay? I feel like I've been living a lie or something I mean fuck it, I don't like this band, they are faygs and you never heard me I say I liekd them.

Since these guys are obviously unhetero commies I must dock most of their points, musically the CD has a lot of good stuff singing guitars and maybe even drums I am too shocked right now to remember.

One of the memebrs even has some gay Elvis haircut like come on dude maybe in the 1920s lol. I am not gonna bother linking a picture because I would probably get arrested for linking that obamanation on such a high class website as blogspot.

FINAL SCORE:

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-/10

Rammstein - Pussy (Single)

Okay, so Rammstein is a band. They are from Germany. They sing in German. This is their new single.

So first of all, look at the fucking cover art. It is amazing. Now imagine that cover art in musical form. That is pretty much what you get with this nice new single.

"Pussy" finds Rammstein at their lyrical best, dropping poetic lines such as "steck bratwurst in dein sauerkraut" and the A+++++ chorus of "You've got a pussy/I've got a dickuh/so what's the problem?/Let's do it quick!"

Musically, it is also some of their best, their mallgoth-pandering guitar chugging replaced with cool keyboards and poppy guitars.

The b-side, Rammlied, on the other hand, is more of the same Herzeleid bullshit. I had read somewhere that they were trying to go back to the sound of that album, which is dumb because that album sucked save, like, 3 songs.

Anyway, not even that shit can bring "Pussy" down, and because of that,

Final Score:
99999999999999999/10


Also, you can watch the AMAZING FUCKING VIDEO for "Pussy" here. It is recommended that you watch it at work, with your employer looking at what you're doing over your shoulder.

Grizzly Bear - Veckatimest

Okay so Grizzly Bear is an indie band from the United States, and they make, uh, I don't even know what kind of music. Let's just stick with indie.

If you're a hipster, you probably remember Grizzly Bear from a couple years ago when they released their album Yellow House, which hipsters loved the shit out of (even though it was just a bunch of fucking oooohs and aaaahs with reverb up da butt).

Well Veckatimest is Grizzly Bear's fourth album. Actually it might be the third. I don't know. If you care so much go look at wikipedia or something. Anyway, this album is a pretty big improvement from Yellow House. And by that, I mean there are actual songs with melodies now and not just a a bunch of echoey bullshit.

That's not to say the album is not boring, however. This shit drags on for like an hour. Apparently they never get tired of whispering and oohing and aahing, but I sure do. If they could have made this album about half as long it would have probably been twice as good.

Highlights include "Two Weeks" and "While You Wait For The Others." And by that I mean they're the only real highlights. Only real catchy songs in like an hour of mediocre garbage. And, like, are they even really that good? NO. Fucking oohs and aahs. EVERYWHERE.

Anyway, here are the pros and cons of this albums:

Pros:
- Hipster bitches love it. I bet the singer gets more pussy in a week than you will in your entire life. And that fucking sucks.

Cons:
- It's not good.

Overall, Final Score:
BOOOOO, AAAAHHH/10

OM - God is Good

I do not condone drug use, but I think in order for you to enjoy this album by indie rock band OM, you will have to be on drugs.

The first song is called "Thebes" and it is like a half hour long. That's right, apparently this band thought it would be a great idea to write a long ass song about an Egyptian king. Not only is it long, but it is also boring. Is it really too much to ask for for a band to write a long song that isn't just repeating the same shit over and over again? They go all electric with drums and shit like halfway through, but that is pretty predictable and not really much change at all. I dunno, shit's just not prog enough for my sophisticated taste I guess.

The vocals sound like the guy from the Sex Pistols, meaning they suck. This is shit we hear way too much in indie rock, and I really wish these stupid brits would just lay off and go back to making tea and crumpets and shit and leave the music to the real American heroes.

Also, the guitar sounds like shit in all these songs. They're clearly going for an "indie Metallica" kind of thing, but you just can't do that when your guitar sounds so fuzzy and bad. It's like they just plugged their guitars directly into their sound cards and let the natural sound card distortion distort their guitars.

The lyrics are alright I guess. Wait, no, they're probably not. I don't know, I didn't pay attention to them. I bet they're about Egypt and Diablo II and those Brendan Frasier Mummy movies anyway.

Anyway, I think I will copy Mr. Mysinger for this review and give the album two separate scores.

Final Score:
4.6/10

Final Score ON DRUGS:
7.5/10

Volcano Choir - Unmap

Okay, so at this point I am getting sick of all these fucking band guys making albums under band names other than their main bands that sound just like stuff their main bands would make. I feel like I have only reviewed like 3 bands total here, with 98988989 variations of those bands. God damn.

Anyway, I guess Jon Bon Iver (of indie band Bon Iver) thought it would be funny to make a Bon Iver record under a name other than Bon Iver. It's not even a funny joke, it's like he just wanted to screw up people's last.fm charts.

This is pretty much the same folky Bon Iver shit you would expect. Lots of acoustic guitars, lots of reverb, lots of multitracked vocal harmonies, lots of beard, etc., etc. The only difference I hear is the addition of little electronic beeps and boops and the complete absence of real words (actual lyrics from one of the songs: "skibbity squee squeee squibble squib"). I know no one could understand what he was saying before, but seriously now, what the fuck?

Actually wait, no, there are words in a song. The song is "Still" and the lyrics are taken from an already existing Bon Iver song called "Woods". And it's the same autotuned bullshit repeated for like 20 minutes. And by the lyrics being taken from that song, I mean the whole song was reused. They just added some fancy ebows and drums and shit and called it a whole new song. This is a horrible case of song recycling, and I can not honestly support this type of fraud.

Do not buy this album. Download it! But don't listen to it.

Final score:
2.7/10