Baby Giraffes - Fucking Sucks

So I was just emailed a link to this album called Fucking Sucks by a band called Baby Giraffes. This is a good title for this album, and I am going to tell you why: this fucking sucks.

My first thought upon listening to this was "why are Blink-182 selling out and using synthesizers like fuckin Britney Spears? Don't they have any self-respect left?" but then I remembered everything Blink did after that album about getting Enemas, and decided that no, they didn't have any self-respect. But then I heard these dudes rapping and noticed that "holy shit, this band isn't Blink at all."

I dunno what the lyrics are about (not that this ebonics trash is even real English), but this song I'm listening to right now is called "Pine Boys" which sounds like the title of a VHS tape passed around in the mail by shady pedophiles through PO boxes and shit.

These songs are catchy though. At least they have that going for them. "Giraffe Party" being a good example of that, with the brilliant chorus of "DO A LITTLE DANCE AND HAVE LOTS OF FUN, BABY GIRAFFES ARE NUMBER ONE/MAKE A LITTLE NOISE AND HAVE LOTS OF SEX, BABY GIRAFFES ARE THE FUCKING BEST!" What exactly they are the best at is unknown, but they seem pretty confident of this. Maybe they are the best at thinking they're the best? Ha ha ha.

There are some other songs about Yu-Gi-Oh cards or something, I dunno. I asked my friend (aka some random faggot I ran into on the internet) what he/she (I'm unsure of this person's gender) thought of this band, and s/he said "it sounds like Mindless Self Indulgence mixed with Hollywood Undead" and while I'm not too into it, I don't hate it enough to compare it to fucking MSI.

And holy shit, I just got to the song "Magical Sea Donkey" and good God, I'm actually glad for once that I blanked out typing this and started paying attention to the lyrics. This is probably the best educational song I've heard since the Magic School Bus and Reading Rainbow bullshit. I was immersed in the historical storyline of the song, and I'm betting you will too.

I was kind of iffy on this whole thing, but "Magical Sea Donkey" bumps this shit up by a couple points.

Final Score:
7.7/10

You can listen to the whole thing here for free. You can pay to download the mp3s but, like, who actually does that anyway? NOT ME. I'M A BLOG WRITER, MOTHERFUCKER. I GET THIS SHIT FOR FREE. I'm sure this band would use the money for meth and handjobs from 15 year old girls anyway.

Tall Building Box Set

A couple weeks ago, Tall Building dropped an A-Bomb on the indie world: an announcement that the band would be breaking up. Fans worldwide expressed shock and horror, even going so far as organizing protests and rioting. I personally made a trip across the country, from Bethlehem, New Hampshire to Olympia, Washington, the home town of most of the members of Tall Building.

I tried several times to track down the former members of Tall Building to ask them why they would do this to the world. To ask them if what was broken could be fixed, but I got mostly voicemails and some long, confusing directions from family members that took me on a wild goose chase to nowhere in particular. I finally gave up on my quest, but before I left, decided to pay a visit to Birdie McSun's grave to pay my respects and thank him for all the beautiful music he had given us (and for apparently holding the band together for so long).

When I got there, Aspie Lispen was lying on Birdie's grave, drinking something out of a bottle inside of a paper bag. His face was covered in beard and dirt. He told me that he'd been staying here, in this very spot, for weeks now. Apparently he took Birdie's death harder than the other members. He explained that occasionally Twee-Pain, one of the only neutral members of the band (as well as the last of Aspie's remaining friends) would stop by and bring him some veggie burgers so he didn't die of starvation. He wouldn't tell me where he used the restroom. He responded to most of my questions about the band with incoherent ramblings. I eventually decided that I'd had enough of this. I didn't want to see my musical hero at rock bottom, so I decided to leave. Before I could go, he grabbed me by my shirt collar and whispered into my ear. The smell of alcohol was heavy and it was making me sick, but when I heard what he was telling me, I ceased to notice.

I thanked him for this information and ran as fast as I could.

Soon enough, I was where it all started; Exploring the woods behind Kimya Dawson's house. I found the markings the band members left on their nature walks those fateful 2 months ago. Within a few hours I came to the clearing where the band recorded their first two releases, Branches and Sailboats in the Forest. Only it wasn't a clearing anymore. There was a tent pitched there. I approached the campsite slowly, but on one step, I felt a rope tighten around my foot as I was flung upside-down into the air.

A couple minutes later, an old man exited the tent, dressed in silky golden robes. He asked what I was doing here, and I told him what Aspie had told me: that I was here to find the Lost Treasure of Tall Building, and that his tent was right on top of its supposed location. But he didn't seem surprised when I told him this. He smiled. "I know" he said, "that is why I'm here. You see, I am the biggest Tall Building fan alive, and I have been here since the release of Sailboats in the Forest, looking for any scraps the band have left behind to add to my collection. I had zero luck until today. While digging, I hit something solid. I carefully uncovered it and found a box full of tapes. You actually got here as soon as I was playing them back. Would you care to listen with me?" I said yes and entered the old man's tent.

There he played for me the most wondrous musical creations I had ever heard. Some songs were beautiful. Some songs were honest. Some were beautiful AND honest. I was amazed and asked if I could buy them, but he outright refused, saying that these were his and his alone. I could beg and offer money as much as I pleased, but he would not budge. That was when I decided that drastic measures had to be taken.

I removed the cassette tape from my jean pocket. The old man looked at me confused until I showed him the label. It read Neutral Milk Hotel - Runaway Slave written in red crayon by Jeff Mangum himself. This was the lost Neutral Milk Hotel album, recorded before On Avery Island, only heard by Jeff Mangum, a man named Alfred Hybrid (who was viciously beaten and killed when his house was raided for the lost NMH tapes in early 2008), and myself. It was hard parting with this tape, but in the end it was worth it. In fact, I actually feel kind of bad for the old man, because was clearly ripped off.

So now I'm back at home, uploading these songs for you, the deserving public. Tall Building may be gone (for now), but maybe they can live on a little longer in our hearts with help from these recordings.

SO NOW READERS AND LISTENERS, I PRESENT TO YOU, THE TALL BUILDING BOX SET!

Tall Building breaks up

This is probably the worst news I've heard in the past couple years.

From their post on the Elephant Six Townhall:

We are very sad to inform you guys that Tall Building has broken up.

To be honest, it had been coming for a while now. Fights within the band during the recording of our last album were bad, but the VERY disappointing sales for Bermuda Adventure are just too much.

The rest of the members might go on to do other things. I don't even care anymore. I didn't even WANT to make Bermuda Adventure, so if these guys want to continue making their SELLOUT MAINSTREAM NICKELBACK SHIT fine by me. I'm out either way. Birdie would be appalled by what Buncen and Ricky have done to the band.

Thanks for listening,
Aspie Lispen and Tall Building

I've been trying to get some comments from the ex-members, but so far they're not answering. What the hell happened? I think I'm gonna be sick.

KFC - Double Down

To-day I will be doing something in-o-vative and in-spire-ing the likes of which you faygs haven't seen since Apple released the iPad. (There's my relevant, unoriginal joke for the day.) Instead of reviewing cool music for cool guys or unhetero music for unhetero guys, I am going to be reviewing something different entirely. A sandwich.

There has been a lot of controversy over this particular sandwich (called the "Double Down) probably because it sounds like a gay sex move involving three men. In one camp, you have the fucking PETA retards who hate anything good and spread propaganda about fast food saying shit like "It's bad for you" and "Don't eat cats and dogs." Let me ask you this you fucking PETA retards, if I spend a large chunk of my precious fucking time waiting on a WHITE WOMAN to fix my fucking dinner, aren't I retro-actively killing myself the same as if I just ate fast food, only in a different fashion? (Think hipster vs. goth.)

On the other side of this coin are black people, who FUCKING LOVE anything and everything fried chicken. While I wholeheartedly reccommend this sandwich (despite gay sex move name) to white people, black people need to stay way from it at all costs. It tastes pretty good if you're white, so if you're black this sandwich will probably react like fucking crack in your system and you won't be able to stop eating them.

Anyway on to the sandwich.

Basically it's two fucking pieces of fried chicken and some OTHER SHIT I don't care about because I love Fried Chicken. Eating this is like having sex with a woman who is all tits and ass, WHILE WATCHING THE SUPER BOWL. In fact, I would reccommend buying two of these bad boys, stacking them on top of each other and chowing down, just so you'll know what it's like to fuck two women and watch Superbowl 30 and 32 at the same motherfucking time holy shit I just creamed my Rocawear's.

Now if you're worried about negative health effects from eating this then DON'T BE. I found out that this sandwich actually has this cool thing where the more you eat the more weight you lose.

Just try eating seven of these bad boys and you'll puke more than you did the first time you performed a keg stand (probably lose about 20 pounds, see bulimia) I mean shit I'm selling this sandwich so hard KFC should put me in a commercial.

The only real downside is it gives me a headache, but fuck I get hammered every weekend and never bitch about a hang over, so who fuckin' cares?!

FINAL SCORE:

Evelyn Evelyn - Evelyn Evelyn

Evelyn Evelyn is the debut album from a band called Evelyn Evelyn. What an original fucking title, right? Not only do they name their band after their names, but they named their album after their band named after their name.

I'm not gonna lie here folks, this is pretty much the soundtrack to a shitty new Tim Burton movie (not Nightmare Before Christmas shit, think the Corpse Bride).

You know what the gayest thing about this album is though? Not the spoken word interludes, even though those are gay as fuck. No, it's the fact that the clearly male singers are both named Evelyn. I bet that shit's not even their real names. They were probably John and Steve or some shit, and had their names changed to Evelyn to live out their tranny mallgoth fantasies. Sick shit.

"Have You Seen My Sister Evelyn" is supposed to be one of those tin pan alley vaudeville fuckin songs like what Tiny Tim did or some shit. Just unlike Tiny Tim, these shemales seem like they're trying to attract the Hot Topic-shopping, Sweeney Todd-loving crowd by attempting to make this shit dark and edgy.

"Chicken Man" is probably the only good song on the album. That's really just because the lyrics are real good. Here are the lyrics

Chicken man, chicken man
lalalalal
chicken man, chicken man
lalalala

There's a bunch of spoken word bullshit. I'm assuming that's because it's supposed to have a plot, making this a concept album. And what are concept albums? That's right, GAY. Not only is it gay, but it's fucking boring. If I wanted to listen to a book on tape I'd listen to a goddamn book on tape.

Looking at Windows Media Player, I see that this particular spoken word track, "The Tragic Events Pt. II" is 11 minutes long. No thank you, that is quite enough of this nonsense.

Final score:
2/10

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH TALL BUILDING

It's a cold and rainy Sunday night when I walk into the Bluebird Cafe'. The members of indie band Tall Building are seated on the floor, legs crossed Indian style in a circle. One of the many singers and multi-instrumentalists in the band, Ricky Martini, is banging melodically on a set of bongos while Aspie Lispen, another of the many talented songwriters and vocalists, sings about kittens and existentialism. Birdie McSun, the man behind many of Tall Building's more melcancholy songs, is mysteriously absent. When I enter the room, they all stop what they are doing and stare at me. "Hello, I'm Cameron Clarke," I nervously explain to them, "I'm here to interview you."

Cool Music For Cool Guys: Hello Tall Building. This is my first interview with a band as popular and influential as you guys, so please excuse me if I get nervous and fuck something up.

Aspie Lispen: Don't worry. We know all about getting nervous and embarrassed.

CMFCG: Thank you.

So how are you all today? I know you were just playing a show here. How did that go?

Buncen Bern: Oh man, the dudes who run that place are real nice guys. They gave us free coffee! I'm telling you, that place has a fantastic atmosphere.

Ricky Martini: I don't drink coffee cause it is addictive. I would rather draw pictures and examine life.

CMFCG: So how did you guys end up meeting and forming a band?

AL: Well, Ricky and I met in Kindergarten. We met Birdie and Buncen in the fourth grade. We decided to form a band last year when we were out on a camping trip in the woods behind Kimya Dawson's house in Olympia, WA. We brought a 4 track and our ukuleles and recorded our debut EP, Branches, there, around the campfire.

CMFCG: And now you have a full-length out called Sailboats in the Forest. Could you tell us more about that? For example, where did the inspiration for the title come from?

RM: The name Sailboats in the Forest represents our struggle through life. It's like we have to sail through trees and shit, and it's near impossible.

CMFCG: That is pretty deep:

BB: It's also sort of about the day I was born. There was a terrible flood, and we had to evacuate the hospital almost immediately after I was birthed. We got on a life raft and ending up floating in a forest for about six days until help arrived. I don't remember it at all but the experience still had a profound effect on me.

CMFCG: I've listened to the album several times now, and I've gotta say, it's amazing.

AL: Thanks, it means a lot to us.

RM: I put a lot of my heart and soul into that record, in fact, it took quite a while to ge the creativity flowing to create such songs as Bunny Rabbits and Flannel Shirt.

CMFCG: I'd imagine!

Now, if you don't mind me asking, where is Birdie McSun?

RM: He is visiting some Tibetan monks to master martial arts and get in touch with his spirituality.

CMFCG: So that means he won't be joining us tonight?

AL: He might. The monastary is only a couple blocks down the street.

CMFCG: What was the inspiration behind the song Milk?

BB: Well one time me and my old friends were walking around a farm with cows at night. One guy started milking a cow out of nowhere. I was really grossed out at first, but slowly I began to realize how beautiful it was. It's really crazy. This stuff, it gives life! Nursing. Beautiful, really.
CMFCG: The song "Vegetables" off of Sailboats In The Forest is particulary interesting. Do you guys have any thoughts on fast food?

BB: It Birdie were here he would write you a fucking novel on the subject! Personally, I try to stay away from it. I love Thai!

CMFCG: Are you guys working on any new music? What do you have planned for the future?

BB: We are actually going for a different style for our next full-length. I'm not really supposed to say anything, but there may be a cameo or two from other collective artists. Let's just pray this shit does not get leaked before release date, it could really hurt our sales.

RM: Anyone who leaks this stuff is facing the wrath of Ricky Martini yo.

AL: We definitely intend to push our sound into a whole new dimension.

CMFCG: Any final remarks?

RM: Fuck the leaf village.

AL: Stay fresh guys. Remember, you are your own people. Never let anyone tell you what you can or can not do!

BB: No. Nothing is final. Everything is eternal, man.

CMFCG: Thank you for your time.

You can stream and/or download Tall Building's new album, Sailboats in the Forest here.

Tall Building - Branches EP

Okay so according to this band's website, Tall Buildings are a band from some part of the world who write songs about shit in the woods with ukuleles. That sounds fucking gay, but stick with me here.

The first song, "Little Bird" recalls the smooth and mighty vocal stylings of Jeff Mangum on songs like Neutral Milk Hotel's "Communist Daughter." "Spirit In The Sky" is a dark rumination on life and mortality and just why we're all here.

Despite the diverse subject matter and musical styles on this album, there seems to be a constant theme: mixtapes. "Mixtape On Your Bed" finds the narrator in the bedroom of a girl he likes, whom he is unable to admit his true feelings. He leaves a mixtape on her bed (and huffs some of her perfume and maybe smells some of her socks), hoping that she'll find it and listen to it. It has a strong sense of optimism and is one of the most beautiful songs I've heard all year.

"The Sun" is almost as bright as the actual song, with a strong melody sung with with ecstatic glee into the heavens. "Calculator, See Ya Later" is a very melancholy song, with lyrics, again, bringing back strong memories of Jeff Mangum at his Aeroplane Best.

Up to this point, it is already a great album (strongest of 2010 so far, I'd say), but the end is where the best song lies; "Dee Dee Dee" is an energetic and joyful celebration of music and life and nature and dees. Kazoos and 8 part vocal harmonies build into a giant, swelling vortex of beauty.

It is recommended that you listen to this album. Immediately.

Final Score:
10/10

Link to where you can listen to the whole thing for free.