Cool Music For Cool Guys

John Maus - We Must Become the Pitiless Censors of Ourselves

2011-07-12T14:36:00.000-07:00

John Mouse is a lofi supergroup lead by none other than the godfather of chillwave himself, Ariel Pink. The first thing I noticed about this album was the album art. Where did the pink sparkles go? That was one of my favorite things about the group. Here are the covers to the last two albums.

Now here is where I talk about the music. That's the most important part, right? The lead single off this album, "Rights for Gays" talks about how gay people aren't so bad and that they deserve the same respect as you and I (assuming all the readers of this blog are hetero males). I mean, I don't mind gay people or anything, but I don't like thinking about them or talking about them. Like, how do they have sex? I'm gonna stop thinking about it ahaha. (I realize I was just saying how much I loved pink sparkles, I assure you that I am very straight, no need to doubt it)

Okay, now that we've talked about that song we can move on to the rest of the album. There's this song called Head For the Country. It has lots of eighties synths and Ariel's deep voice crooning over it. Now that I think about it, this entire album has a lot of eighties synths! I think it's sort of chillwave.

After listening to it a little more, yep it's definitely chillwave. Sort of gives you a new perspective on the music. I think the vocals get swallowed up by the synths too much, but that's what you get with a chillwave album. This band has a knack for pushing pop music to the EXTREME. This is as intense as it gets, folks.

5/5 stars, I give this album the official Cool Music For Cool Guys "Cool New Music" Stamp of Approval. While I'm sure lots of lame guys are listening to this album and attending the shows, I think there is room for cool guys too!

Tyler, the Creator - GOBLIN

2011-06-19T08:29:00.000-07:00

I used to like Tyler, the Creator. I did. However, I must say, things have changed. What, you ask? What has happened to my beloved devotion to the excellent hip hop music of Tyler, and OFWGKTADGAFLLBBLSBFBN? It has stifled. Its gene pool has thinned, it's lost all interest.

Let me explain, you see, back in 2010, when I first downloaded Bastard and listened to it, I was amazed. It was a masterpiece of ingenuity, truly what hip hop needed. Tyler's discussion of such serious topics as his father he never had, his relationship with women, it was all surreal. It was the future of hip hop. It was the future of life.

This album? This album is a putrid mess. This album is a disgusting, filthy bile all over my new Chuck Taylors. Why? Let me tell you.

Tyler, the Creator has transformed. No longer can he discuss such serious topics that he did in Bastard, he can now only discuss the simple things he once put such great art into. Raping women, doing hard drugs, killing loads of people. Fucking school. It's lame, gentle, lost to all senses. Where is the strong emotion once put into it? It's gone. This is an album made only for its shock value.

And you can tell, from the start, Tyler made this album with one large intention: make money. When I first put the CD into the player and sat back, prepared for another amazing album, my ears were automatically assaulted by the horror of the title track. Goblin is a soulless attempt at pop-rap, it's made to draw in the little teenagers craving new hot beats. The album only gets worse from there, too. Continually, over and over again, each track invites me into a new horror of modern rap.

Tyler's rancid use of sexism, homophobia and obscene language lend nothing to the imagination. There is nothing "fun" in here, this is just a demented walk through a man who already at the age of 20 has sold his life away to make money. What happened to the days of old, of The Chronic, in which sexism and homophobia was creative, tactful and pleasurable?

My point here? This is an insult. To me. To you. To all of us. If you own this album, flush it down your toilet, or even your neighbors toilet. This is an example of how stale art can get in the 21st century.

My rating: Don't ever fucking listen to this shit.

Best Coast - Crazy For You

2010-11-03T17:39:00.000-07:00

So this is Best Coast's first album I guess. I'm assuming they're from California (meaning that if I'm right, they are extremely predictable and if I'm wrong they are terrible for trying to sound like they're from California. I guess my point is that California fucking sucks).

My first thought is: Woman Beach Boys. There are many things wrong with that. I'm not going to say that women shouldn't be making music- some of them are okay at it. That's not my problem. My problem is that they're trying to sound like some Beach Boys shit. Would that make them The Beach Girls? Because that would be fucking STUPID.

My second thought: Woman Beach Boys in a cave. This is the most retarded reverb I have ever heard in my entire life. I feel like I'm in one of those big bathrooms at a beach, shitting, with this band playing a hundred yards away, and it's echoing all over the place in the bathroom to the point where it's this giant clusterfuck of sound. Shoegaze surf rock? Fuck this.

It's also worth noting that the entire album concluded in the time it took me to write those 3 paragraphs. This album is like 15 minutes long goddamn. I barely even remember anything about it other than it opening with a real echoey cover of that Avril Lavigne song that came out a couple years ago. Also, 2 songs rhyme "crazy" with "lazy." Whether this is intentional or not I have yet to determine.

Bottom line is: for a similar (if slightly better) experience, try listening to a Beach Boys album with the pitch shifted up, using one of those soundcard control fuckers that lets you make everything sound like it's being played inside a drippy cave.

Final score:
5.1/10

Buncen Bern Interview

2010-10-21T18:01:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna say what nobody else has the guts to say: Aspie Lispen was talentless. "How could you?" is the sort of response I expect from this. But really, think about it. Aspie never pushed himself in any direction other than twee, was horrible at singing, wasn't especially talented at any instrument, and was just overall a terrible musician. Why Cameron Clarke is so obsessed with this mans work is beyond me, but I'll tell you something else: Buncen Bern and Ricky Martini were the real brains behind Tall Building. Sure, the songs Aspie wrote for the albums are catchy, but which ones will we REALLY remember in ten, twenty years? CD Players, Escape, Scurvy, Alien Abduction, Bunny Rabbits. Can you even remember the melody to My Cat Ran Away? I'm serious, try to hum it. I'll bet you can't. That's because there was nothing original or interesting about it.

Cameron Clarke recently posted an article about his trip to the Lispen household. He mentioned trying to get ahold of Ricky Martini and Buncen Bern, but he never did. Do you think there's a possibility that he didn't want to hear what these men had to say about the whole matter? I do. Cameron Clarke is completely obsessed. It's not even about the music anymore, he's built a false image of how Lispen was inside his mind and he will ignore anybody who points this out. Gertrude Lispen was obviously a lonely old woman, willing to take advantage of Clarkes' obsession for a nice fucking. Yes, Clarke only told half of the story. Actually you couldn't even say that, it was too fucked up. He made no attempt to interview the other living members of Tall Building, so you know what?

I will.

Included with the physical copies of For the Love of God Please Listen to This Album (handmade by Bern himself) is a booklet containing images of Buncen Bern in a Chester Cheetah costume, some paintings made by his college girlfriend, a lock of his hair, and some contact information. I sent him an email, asking him to meet up with me for an interview. He liked the idea. We met at the bluebird cafe on one cloudy day to discuss matters Tall Building and post-Tall Building.

CMFCG: First, I'd like to thank you for taking the time to do this interview.

BB: It's my fantasy.

CMFCG: Let's talk about For the Love of God. After faking your own death, did you immediately start work on this one?

BB: No, I was too depressed to create for a while there. Feeling my musical career was over right then and there, I actually considered real death a few times. I got so down I visited old Gertrude
Lispen one night, knowing she would fuck anybody.

CMFCG: Did you fuck?

BB: Yes. Anyways, about a month or so after I faked my death I got myself together and began making trips to the studio. I was still really hooked on drugs though, so I didn't get much done at first. I sobered up a little and began writing my best songs to date. Oh the Memories Pt. 2 is sort of about the pain I went through while overcoming my drug addiction.

CMFCG: Really?

BB: Well it was written while I was getting off them.

CMFCG: I see. Are all the songs on the album autobiographical?

BB: Yes, my great grand-pappy Ronald D. Bern marched out of the hospital he was staying in to promote gay awareness. A giant crowd formed and people marched with him and for that whole year, you could do whatever you wanted sexually. Then everybody returned to normal life and became homophobes again.

CMFCG: How come I've never read about this anywhere?

BB: I don't know.

CMFCG: What do you have to say about the death of Aspie Lispen?

BB: I was only friends with him so I could be around his hot, hot mother.

And that's all we have for now. You needed to hear the truth behind it all, and I'm glad you did. Check out Buncen Berns new album here: http://buncenbern.bandcamp.com/album/for-the-love-of-god-listen-to-this-album

TALL BUILDING SCANDAL REVEALED! + LOST ASPIE ALBUM

2010-10-20T22:35:00.000-07:00

Hello! I know I haven't posted anything here in a while, and there's a good ass reason- you see, recently I made the trip to WA to track down Ricky Martini and ask him what he thought of Aspie Lispen's final album, Goodbye, My Friends!, and its new-found status as classic album and masterpiece of modern indie folk. But instead of an interview, what I got was a look at the darkest side of the indie universe (or "indieverse") there is.

I arrived at the airport and was immediately greeted by Aspie's mother, Gertrude Lispen. She knew I was a dedicated fan of her son's and offered to let me stay in the now-empty room that was once occupied by my hero, Aspie. I graciously accepted, and went with her to her car.

On the drive to the Lispen house we talked about many things; how she felt about Buncen Bern and Ricky Martini, the two ex-friend and bandmates who left Aspie to die in that graveyard, what life has been like since her son's death, and the events leading up to his mental breakdown and eventual suicide.
According to Gertrude, after a Tall Building show at a local coffee shop, a couple musicians- Twee-Pain, Lenn909n and Adam Green, introduced themselves to the band. They offered to "expand (their) minds" with various drugs to help their music. Buncen and Ricky, bored of simple indie folk, accepted, leaving Aspie and Birdie (who were very strictly anti-drug) alone and angry.
The three strange musicians had wormed their way into the band by the time they went into the studio to record Bermuda Adventure, angering Aspie and Birdie. Their songwriting was being slowly squeezed out and creative input ignored. The band would frequently sneak out of the studio to smoke drugs while Aspie would stay in alone, writing songs he hoped would impress his friends, but they would just laugh and tell him that his indie folk was too 2010- that he should be looking towards the future instead. He grew depressed. The depression only deepened with the sudden death of his best friend and bandmate, Birdie McSun. He quit the sessions and spent the rest of the time leading up to Birdy's funeral hiding in his room. After the funeral he starting living in the graveyard, and the rest is, well, indie history.

There was a long pause after she finished telling me all this. Fighting back tears, she turned on the radio to a news station. "Hearing about other people's sons dying in the war makes me feel a little better about it" she told me, as we listened to just that. After that, a shocking news report came in that Buncen Bern was not dead, and that he had, in fact, faked his own death in an attempt at gaining publicity for his album, Wrapped Up In Himself. And as if this weren't despicable enough, he announced that he was releasing ANOTHER new album, called For the Love of God Listen to This Album. Shameless publicity stunts aside, I wondered why Ricky Martini was in jail then, if he hadn't really killed Buncen. But that was a question for another day. I was tired and needed rest.

We arrived at the Lispen house late at night. I spent a considerable amount of time exploring Aspie's room and the treasures that were found all around it. I was getting ready to sleep when Gertrude entered the room, completely nude, and got into the bed with me. We made sweet love right there and then. I'm sure she was drawn to me because I am a charming big-shot music blogger/musician, but I have to admit, I only did it to feel closer to Aspie- and lying there, in his bed, inside the very vagina he came out of, I had never felt closer to a person.

Buncen was nowhere to be found for an interview, but the next day (after cooking me a terrible breakfast that was nothing more than a clusterfuck of burnt bacon and undercooked eggs) Gertrude took me to the prison where Ricky Martini was being held. I wanted to get to the bottom of this whole thing even more than I wanted to rub Aspie's posthumous success in their faces. I was taken to Ricky's cell, but it was mysteriously empty. The guard shrugged and escorted me back, but on our way, one of the inmates yelled to me "YO DAT RICKY DUDE WASN'T EVEN ACTUALLY BEIN HELD, DAWG. HE WAS PAYIN THE WARDEN TO LET HIM STAY HERE OR SOME SHIT, YA KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN?" The guards quickly ushered me out without letting me interview the man, but I know what I heard.

Back at the Lispen house I started going through Aspie's things some more. Under his bed I found a laptop. It was password protected. I asked Gertrude about it and she told me I could have it if I wanted- she had tried cracking the password many times before, but to no avail. Using my knowledge of Aspie, I cracked the code on my first try. I typed in "iluvbikes" and watched as I was logged in. What I found on that hard drive made me happier than I had ever been in my entire life (and I'm not talking about the 10 gigs of furry + Asian porn). I found a folder called "new," which contained an entire album's worth of never-before-heard Aspie Lispen songs! The songs were bare- just guitar/piano and vocals, but they were there. I had found my new purpose. I immediately booked a flight back home.

I don't know or like what's going on with Ricky and Buncen, and I do intend to get to the bottom of it, but until then, I have taken it upon myself to overdub these songs and finish this masterpiece of an album! When I am done I will put it up on the internet, for all to hear for free!

Here is the "demo" of one of the songs, as I found it. I'm going to start the overdub process as soon as possible! Wish me luck!

Zakk Zielke - Super Srs

2010-08-23T21:09:00.001-07:00

So I was just sent this album. Or I guess it's an EP. I've never heard of this band "Zakk Zickey" before but it was very highly recommended so I figured I'd give it a shot. Was I wrong in doing so? Maybe.

"Do I Even Have Eyes This Morning" is the first song, and in case you can't tell from the overly long title, it is some druggy shit. Sounds like that of Montreal band I had the displeasure of listening to around a week ago and reviewing. Drum machine, synthesizers and singing FUCKING EVERYWHRE. Any guitar? Of course not, this band is completely talentless.

"Laura Creepyhands Magic (Rainbow x2)" is some kinda Beatles shit, only with a guitar solo. I'm guessing the band brought in a session musician to play it for them since it's pretty complex and contains more than 3 notes.

"Kawaii Prince" is a simple disco song about having three colons or some gross shit. Yeah okay members of Zach Zilkey, I get it. You do drugs and listen to shitty old rock music from the '80s or whenever the Beatles last had a decent hit. Big whoop.

"(Whoa Whoa) Woe Is Me" is the fourth and final track, and it sports the shittiest lyrics on the whole album. This band wants the world to feel bad for them. I would if they hadn't just raped my ears. There's a nice little orchestral outro (which takes up like half the fucking song because it's like a minute long or some dum shit), but I'm sure it was all played on synthesizers since I'm sure no one in Sack Silkey has the talent required to play a violin or a sophisticated instrument like the cello.

Recommended for fans of shitty old music and shitty new music.

Final score:

4.3/10

You can listen to the whole thing here if for some fucked up reason you would ever want to do that.

Arcade Fire - The Suburbs

2010-08-20T19:15:00.000-07:00

Alright, so anyone who reads this blog knows how I feel about Arcade Fire. Terrible band, but of course I'm woken up today by the UPS guy banging on my door. He hands me this package with this cd in it and I'm like "fuck this, no" but there is a note attached saying they need the promotion and will pay me a large amount of money to review it, so here we go.

From the first song you already know you have a winner of an album. I mean, it has all the ingredients- whiny vocals, whiny lyrics and a whole fucking lot of reverb. Speaking of lyrics, here is a gem I managed to pick up while trying to tune the whole thing out

"I want to have a daughter while I'm still young

I want to hold her hand" - Gerard Butler

It's great that the world is so accepting of pedophiles these days, what with this band's mainstream success, the worldwide weepfest over Michael Jackson's death and Playboy's latest interview with Peewee Herman. That was actually sarcasm, by the way. These are some sick fucks and the world has truly gone to shit if they're allowed to actually live let alone get rich. I could maybe understand if Arcade Fire made good music, but I'm listening to this album right now, and that is most definitely not the case.

Oh shit. I'm like halfway through the album now. I felt like I was just listening to longest, least interesting song ever written. Like someone did some science and figured out how to push the limits of boring into XTREME new territory and this was the result.

So every song is pretty much the exact same fucking thing. It goes on for ever and ever and ever and ever and goddammit, go away now, Arcade Fire. Just go away and never come back. Yeah dude, I know you can make BIG EPIC SONGS, but you've been sitting here showing me the same trick over and over again. I was kind of impressed the first time, but now it kind of seems like you're just desperate for attention. I'm serious here man, do something else or I'm leaving.

And they do something else. It only takes 3 hours of album for them to do it, but dammit, it happens. "Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains)" sounds like some '80s Cyndi Lauper synthpop shit (in addition to their BIG EPIC ROFL sound that they don't want to give up ever), which is nice.

Actually, I think the problem is this dude's voice. He needs to just stop singing. You hear that, Gerard Butler? Stop singing. Let that one chick sing from now on. You're not worth hearing for a straight hour. Sorry bro, no hard feelings.

Final Score

Turd/10

Concert Review - Barenaked Ladies @ Bank of America Pavilion 8/7/10

2010-08-19T12:55:00.001-07:00

First, some back story:

The year was 2006, It was my first BNL concert and I was so excited. Halfway through the show I had to use the bathroom and couldn't put it off for another second. After the typical 20 minute wait, I was in the bathroom stall when I heard the band start playing "Call and Answer" with the audience going nuts after the first opening bars. I was wiping when they got the the "I'M WAAAARNIN YOU DON'T EVER DO THOSE CRAZY MESSED UP THINGS THAT YOU DO" part. Suddenly, the audience's screams of joy turned into screams of horror and pain. I finished up, washed my hands as quick as possible, and ran out to see what was the matter. What I saw was both the most horrible and glorious sight I have ever witnessed.

The band had finished playing the song and the entire venue was dead silent. I looked at across the room at the seats, and saw nothing but bloody, charred corpses. Everyone was dead, my parents included. I crawled to their seats on my hands and knees, sobbing uncontrollably. "HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN" I whimpered into the pant leg of my dead mother's jeans. "WHY GOD, WHY???" But this was not the work of God.

I looked up and saw a golden hammer, loosing itself from my father's cracked, broken-in skull. It flew into the air toward the stage. I looked up into the sky and saw thousands of the things, all seemingly being pulled to the same spot. I stood up.

Steven Page was standing center stage while the rest of the band packed up their equipment. His unnaturally large mouth seemed to be stuck open as the hammers flew towards him, shrinking as they got nearer and eventually disappearing down his throat. Stunned, I fell back, landing on my mother's body. I heard a snap and her head rolled down into my lap. I screamed and dropped it onto the floor. When it hit the ground, it crumbled into an ashy white dust. I stood up, tears streaming down my face, and stared at Page. Apparently my scream had gotten his attention, because he was staring at me as well. We stood there, looking into each other's mind's for what seemed like an eternity (though realistically was more like 30 seconds). Suddenly, he broke the gaze, turned around and went backstage, maybe to have a glass of water before getting back onto the tour bus.

When he was gone from view I fainted, hitting my head hard on the concrete floor.

I woke up a couple days later in a hospital. It took me months to recover mentally and deal with the trauma of seeing my mother's burnt, severed head grinning up at me from my lap, but I'm fine now.

My therapist always used to ask me if I hated Mr. Page now, after all he's done to me and my family, but my answer is always the same: He may have killed my parents and an entire building full of other people's parents, but hatred is one thing I do not feel for him.

Here is a list of what I feel for Mr. Page:

1. Fear
2. Respect

So 4 years, 153 therapy sessions and 2 foster families after my last experience with Barenaked Ladies in a live environment, I decided that it was time again to face the band that killed my parents. Why now? Well, Steven Page was finally gone and there was no real threat of bodily harm or death to be found in the new four piece. Plus I liked their new album and figured it would be worth the risk regardless.

My foster mother and I were on our way to the venue an hour and a half early when we saw, standing outside a restaurant a couple blocks down from the Pavilion, Ed Robertson in his civilian clothes. I notified my foster mother that we were in the presence of a Music King and she didn't believe me until some other chick told her "YEAH THAT IS HIM TEE HEE" or something along those lines.
Anyway, he was with a friend or something, and when I got closer he looked at me and I could see the hate in his eyes. He leaned down to his friend and whispered "Oh shit, it's that guy who said Steve's single is better than most of All In Good Time. Let's get outta here." I know this because I am a master of lipreading from all the charity work I've done with the deaf. Anyway, I considered approaching him, but thought it best to just leave him alone while he's in such an agitated state. He walked towards the venue with everyone else following. Not in a stalker way, but more in a everyone's-going-to-the-same-place kind of way.

My foster mother did manage to get a picture of his back though. That WAS done in a stalker sort of way. The picture came out alright though. They could probably use it for cover art for a new album or single

He went around to the back of the venue to do drugs or have sex with multiple women or whatever they do to warm up before shows. I thought about following him and when we were all alone demanding either $20 of the ridiculous ticket price back or a haircut. My hair is pretty long and if he didn't have any money on him it would work because a decent haircut is usually somewhere in around $20 anyway. I didn't do any of that though. I entered the Bank of America Pavilion. From the front. Like a Real American Hero.

The first chick who played was alright. Until she did the Radiohead cover anyway. She did a great job and she has a great voice, but goddamn I hate Radiohead. I actually just now found out that she is black. A black person opening for Barenaked Ladies? This must be a first. Progress!

The dude who played next was pretty bad. What's he goin for, some kind of Bob Dylan/Neil Young/Lynyrd Skynyrd thing? Boring as shit. And he just kept going. And going. And going. I felt like running the mile from my shitass seat to the stage, jumping on, and setting his long hippie hair on fire.

After he was done douchin it up all was quiet and peaceful once more in the land of the Bank of America Pavilion. There was a projector on the walls with messages from people attending the show. I texted "herp derp" to it, and, unsurprisingly, it never showed up, making room for more important messages such as "I ate an entire raccoon once" and "Hiiiiii =D".

8 hours of Tetris later, Barenaked Ladies took the stage. They opened with "Who Needs Sleep" which is a weird opener, but I'm glad I got to finally hear it. I'm not gonna do some kind of track by track review, but highlights were:

- Easy
- How Long
- Another Heartbreak
- Sound of Your Voice
- Let There Be Light
- Four Seconds (sounds badass live)
- Alcohol

Last song they did was Brian Wilson, and while they do still sound like a BNL cover band on that one, it was pretty good. Not a trainwreck like some other live videos I've seen.

It was a pretty great show overall. Worth the $60? Maybe. But are the BNL sweatshirts they were selling at the merch booth worth $50? Fuck no. And AIGT is $25 on vinyl? I could buy the album 2 1/2 times on compact disc for that much. And what else do I get out of it? Bigger cover art? The cover art is just kind of them standing around looking serious. I don't need that that big for $25.

of Montreal - False Priest

2010-08-18T20:35:00.001-07:00

Alright so today I got this thing in the mail. It's an album called False Priest by a band called of Montreal. What is of Montreal other than French-Canadians and their filthy gravy-soaked french fries anyway? Anyway, I opened the box and the first thing I noticed was the album cover. I could tell just by looking at it that this band was gonna be one of those "hey let's just make a giant clusterfuck of noise and call it psychadelic" bands. I wasn't wrong.

The album opens with "I Feel Ya Strutta" which I guess is some kind of wigger slang for something sexual. Not sure, but the song is like some kind of Bee Gees disco shit. There's a reason why disco died, of Montreal, and that reason is BECAUSE IT'S SHIT. I can't stand all these hipster bands trying to revive these demons that their rock n' rolling ancestors managed to finally destroy. Pisses me off.

"Our Riotous Defects" (oooh, wacky song titles! So psychadelic!) is a giant disco clusterfuck with an annoying falsetto chorus of "SHE'S JUST A CRAAAAZY GIRL" with verses that consist of lead singer Kevin Barnum talking like one of those bitches from that Clueless movie (it was on TV one night and I was drunk and couldn't find the remote, OK?). I think it's supposed to be funny, but it's really not. Not at all.

One thing I noticed on my first listen of this album was that Kevin Barnum does not know how to write songs. He lays down obnoxious, funky instrumentals and then talks over them. I'd say it's close to rapping, but that would imply that there is some kind of rhythm in there, which there is not. A good example of this is "Godly Intersex" which has to be one of the most dull things I have ever heard. OH MAN, LISTEN TO THOSE ECHOEY VOCALS. 10/10. Just kidding, you suck.

The highlight of the first half of the album is "Coquette Coquette," a song that, while pretty bad, is better than the rest of the songs because it actually has some guitar in it. Unfortunately, the break from shitty white boy faux-disco doesn't last very long, and you're treated to another delightful forty-something minutes of samey falsettos and synthesizers.

Actually, the whole rest of the album has 0 standout tracks (other than Sex Karma, which only gets a mention because it features the sister of Beyonce, an actually good singer and songwriter on it, doing most of the work).

The worst part of the album is the very last part. The "epic closer" as I'm sure most hipsters will call it, "You Do Mutilate?", ends with about a minute of Kevin Barnum preaching about God and Jesus and how bad religion is like this is some big, shocking news. Like God-fearing Christians and Muslim extremists are going to be listening to incredibly gay indie disco albums. Thanks Kevin Barnum, you really showed them and changed the world with your words and melodies. Shit, did I say melodies? What I meant was BULLSHIT.

Final Score:

4.3/10

(Extra 2 points added for Solange being on it).

MGMT - Congratulations

2010-06-30T21:38:00.001-07:00

Holy fuck is that a cat surfing?

Anyway, this is an album by MGMT. What does that even stand for? MOstly Gay Manloving Tfaggots?

I'm listening to this album right now, and it's like, shitty surfgarage rock or something. Because we didn't get enough of that shit in the 60s, right? Give me a fuckin break."Brian Eno" is like this giant clusterfuck of reverb, organ and screeching. I actually had an organ once. I sold it. Because life is hard and you have to make sacrifices. These fuckholes in this shit ass band obviously don't know anything about hard work and sacrifice. They sound like a bunch of spoiled little shits who just learned how to make music. HEY LETS PLAY THE SAME LITTLE BASSLINE OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND WAIL OVER IT."

Did I mention that the singer sounds like the Arcade Fires? FUck that.

Another standout, "Kids" is some kind of techno shit. I bet they thought they were being so diverse, putting these different genres together, but it's just fucking BAD. Doesn't fit with the other songs at all.

By the way, fuck synthesizers. All these fuckin hipsters thinking they're gonna be so clever and ironic, bringing back cheesy synths to play in their shitty indie rock. There's a reason no one likes '80s music now, and that reason is synthesizers. Stick to guitars like real men you whiny little shits.

Final score:

1.7/10

Baby Giraffes - Fucking Sucks

2010-05-25T00:31:00.001-07:00

So I was just emailed a link to this album called Fucking Sucks by a band called Baby Giraffes. This is a good title for this album, and I am going to tell you why: this fucking sucks.

My first thought upon listening to this was "why are Blink-182 selling out and using synthesizers like fuckin Britney Spears? Don't they have any self-respect left?" but then I remembered everything Blink did after that album about getting Enemas, and decided that no, they didn't have any self-respect. But then I heard these dudes rapping and noticed that "holy shit, this band isn't Blink at all."

I dunno what the lyrics are about (not that this ebonics trash is even real English), but this song I'm listening to right now is called "Pine Boys" which sounds like the title of a VHS tape passed around in the mail by shady pedophiles through PO boxes and shit.

These songs are catchy though. At least they have that going for them. "Giraffe Party" being a good example of that, with the brilliant chorus of "DO A LITTLE DANCE AND HAVE LOTS OF FUN, BABY GIRAFFES ARE NUMBER ONE/MAKE A LITTLE NOISE AND HAVE LOTS OF SEX, BABY GIRAFFES ARE THE FUCKING BEST!" What exactly they are the best at is unknown, but they seem pretty confident of this. Maybe they are the best at thinking they're the best? Ha ha ha.

There are some other songs about Yu-Gi-Oh cards or something, I dunno. I asked my friend (aka some random faggot I ran into on the internet) what he/she (I'm unsure of this person's gender) thought of this band, and s/he said "it sounds like Mindless Self Indulgence mixed with Hollywood Undead" and while I'm not too into it, I don't hate it enough to compare it to fucking MSI.

And holy shit, I just got to the song "Magical Sea Donkey" and good God, I'm actually glad for once that I blanked out typing this and started paying attention to the lyrics. This is probably the best educational song I've heard since the Magic School Bus and Reading Rainbow bullshit. I was immersed in the historical storyline of the song, and I'm betting you will too.

I was kind of iffy on this whole thing, but "Magical Sea Donkey" bumps this shit up by a couple points.

Final Score:
7.7/10

You can listen to the whole thing here for free. You can pay to download the mp3s but, like, who actually does that anyway? NOT ME. I'M A BLOG WRITER, MOTHERFUCKER. I GET THIS SHIT FOR FREE. I'm sure this band would use the money for meth and handjobs from 15 year old girls anyway.

Tall Building Box Set

2010-05-06T20:06:00.000-07:00

A couple weeks ago, Tall Building dropped an A-Bomb on the indie world: an announcement that the band would be breaking up. Fans worldwide expressed shock and horror, even going so far as organizing protests and rioting. I personally made a trip across the country, from Bethlehem, New Hampshire to Olympia, Washington, the home town of most of the members of Tall Building.

I tried several times to track down the former members of Tall Building to ask them why they would do this to the world. To ask them if what was broken could be fixed, but I got mostly voicemails and some long, confusing directions from family members that took me on a wild goose chase to nowhere in particular. I finally gave up on my quest, but before I left, decided to pay a visit to Birdie McSun's grave to pay my respects and thank him for all the beautiful music he had given us (and for apparently holding the band together for so long).

When I got there, Aspie Lispen was lying on Birdie's grave, drinking something out of a bottle inside of a paper bag. His face was covered in beard and dirt. He told me that he'd been staying here, in this very spot, for weeks now. Apparently he took Birdie's death harder than the other members. He explained that occasionally Twee-Pain, one of the only neutral members of the band (as well as the last of Aspie's remaining friends) would stop by and bring him some veggie burgers so he didn't die of starvation. He wouldn't tell me where he used the restroom. He responded to most of my questions about the band with incoherent ramblings. I eventually decided that I'd had enough of this. I didn't want to see my musical hero at rock bottom, so I decided to leave. Before I could go, he grabbed me by my shirt collar and whispered into my ear. The smell of alcohol was heavy and it was making me sick, but when I heard what he was telling me, I ceased to notice.

I thanked him for this information and ran as fast as I could.

Soon enough, I was where it all started; Exploring the woods behind Kimya Dawson's house. I found the markings the band members left on their nature walks those fateful 2 months ago. Within a few hours I came to the clearing where the band recorded their first two releases, Branches and Sailboats in the Forest. Only it wasn't a clearing anymore. There was a tent pitched there. I approached the campsite slowly, but on one step, I felt a rope tighten around my foot as I was flung upside-down into the air.

A couple minutes later, an old man exited the tent, dressed in silky golden robes. He asked what I was doing here, and I told him what Aspie had told me: that I was here to find the Lost Treasure of Tall Building, and that his tent was right on top of its supposed location. But he didn't seem surprised when I told him this. He smiled. "I know" he said, "that is why I'm here. You see, I am the biggest Tall Building fan alive, and I have been here since the release of Sailboats in the Forest, looking for any scraps the band have left behind to add to my collection. I had zero luck until today. While digging, I hit something solid. I carefully uncovered it and found a box full of tapes. You actually got here as soon as I was playing them back. Would you care to listen with me?" I said yes and entered the old man's tent.

There he played for me the most wondrous musical creations I had ever heard. Some songs were beautiful. Some songs were honest. Some were beautiful AND honest. I was amazed and asked if I could buy them, but he outright refused, saying that these were his and his alone. I could beg and offer money as much as I pleased, but he would not budge. That was when I decided that drastic measures had to be taken.

I removed the cassette tape from my jean pocket. The old man looked at me confused until I showed him the label. It read Neutral Milk Hotel - Runaway Slave written in red crayon by Jeff Mangum himself. This was the lost Neutral Milk Hotel album, recorded before On Avery Island, only heard by Jeff Mangum, a man named Alfred Hybrid (who was viciously beaten and killed when his house was raided for the lost NMH tapes in early 2008), and myself. It was hard parting with this tape, but in the end it was worth it. In fact, I actually feel kind of bad for the old man, because was clearly ripped off.

So now I'm back at home, uploading these songs for you, the deserving public. Tall Building may be gone (for now), but maybe they can live on a little longer in our hearts with help from these recordings.

SO NOW READERS AND LISTENERS, I PRESENT TO YOU, THE TALL BUILDING BOX SET!

Tall Building breaks up

2010-04-24T11:58:00.000-07:00

This is probably the worst news I've heard in the past couple years.

From their post on the Elephant Six Townhall:

We are very sad to inform you guys that Tall Building has broken up.

To be honest, it had been coming for a while now. Fights within the band during the recording of our last album were bad, but the VERY disappointing sales for Bermuda Adventure are just too much.

The rest of the members might go on to do other things. I don't even care anymore. I didn't even WANT to make Bermuda Adventure, so if these guys want to continue making their SELLOUT MAINSTREAM NICKELBACK SHIT fine by me. I'm out either way. Birdie would be appalled by what Buncen and Ricky have done to the band.

Thanks for listening,
Aspie Lispen and Tall Building

I've been trying to get some comments from the ex-members, but so far they're not answering. What the hell happened? I think I'm gonna be sick.

KFC - Double Down

2010-04-18T15:47:00.000-07:00

To-day I will be doing something in-o-vative and in-spire-ing the likes of which you faygs haven't seen since Apple released the iPad. (There's my relevant, unoriginal joke for the day.) Instead of reviewing cool music for cool guys or unhetero music for unhetero guys, I am going to be reviewing something different entirely. A sandwich.

There has been a lot of controversy over this particular sandwich (called the "Double Down) probably because it sounds like a gay sex move involving three men. In one camp, you have the fucking PETA retards who hate anything good and spread propaganda about fast food saying shit like "It's bad for you" and "Don't eat cats and dogs." Let me ask you this you fucking PETA retards, if I spend a large chunk of my precious fucking time waiting on a WHITE WOMAN to fix my fucking dinner, aren't I retro-actively killing myself the same as if I just ate fast food, only in a different fashion? (Think hipster vs. goth.)

On the other side of this coin are black people, who FUCKING LOVE anything and everything fried chicken. While I wholeheartedly reccommend this sandwich (despite gay sex move name) to white people, black people need to stay way from it at all costs. It tastes pretty good if you're white, so if you're black this sandwich will probably react like fucking crack in your system and you won't be able to stop eating them.

Anyway on to the sandwich.

Basically it's two fucking pieces of fried chicken and some OTHER SHIT I don't care about because I love Fried Chicken. Eating this is like having sex with a woman who is all tits and ass, WHILE WATCHING THE SUPER BOWL. In fact, I would reccommend buying two of these bad boys, stacking them on top of each other and chowing down, just so you'll know what it's like to fuck two women and watch Superbowl 30 and 32 at the same motherfucking time holy shit I just creamed my Rocawear's.

Now if you're worried about negative health effects from eating this then DON'T BE. I found out that this sandwich actually has this cool thing where the more you eat the more weight you lose.

Just try eating seven of these bad boys and you'll puke more than you did the first time you performed a keg stand (probably lose about 20 pounds, see bulimia) I mean shit I'm selling this sandwich so hard KFC should put me in a commercial.

The only real downside is it gives me a headache, but fuck I get hammered every weekend and never bitch about a hang over, so who fuckin' cares?!

FINAL SCORE:

Evelyn Evelyn - Evelyn Evelyn

2010-04-13T19:46:00.000-07:00

Evelyn Evelyn is the debut album from a band called Evelyn Evelyn. What an original fucking title, right? Not only do they name their band after their names, but they named their album after their band named after their name.

I'm not gonna lie here folks, this is pretty much the soundtrack to a shitty new Tim Burton movie (not Nightmare Before Christmas shit, think the Corpse Bride).

You know what the gayest thing about this album is though? Not the spoken word interludes, even though those are gay as fuck. No, it's the fact that the clearly male singers are both named Evelyn. I bet that shit's not even their real names. They were probably John and Steve or some shit, and had their names changed to Evelyn to live out their tranny mallgoth fantasies. Sick shit.

"Have You Seen My Sister Evelyn" is supposed to be one of those tin pan alley vaudeville fuckin songs like what Tiny Tim did or some shit. Just unlike Tiny Tim, these shemales seem like they're trying to attract the Hot Topic-shopping, Sweeney Todd-loving crowd by attempting to make this shit dark and edgy.

"Chicken Man" is probably the only good song on the album. That's really just because the lyrics are real good. Here are the lyrics

Chicken man, chicken man
lalalalal
chicken man, chicken man
lalalala

There's a bunch of spoken word bullshit. I'm assuming that's because it's supposed to have a plot, making this a concept album. And what are concept albums? That's right, GAY. Not only is it gay, but it's fucking boring. If I wanted to listen to a book on tape I'd listen to a goddamn book on tape.

Looking at Windows Media Player, I see that this particular spoken word track, "The Tragic Events Pt. II" is 11 minutes long. No thank you, that is quite enough of this nonsense.

Final score:
2/10

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH TALL BUILDING

2010-04-07T19:54:00.000-07:00

It's a cold and rainy Sunday night when I walk into the Bluebird Cafe'. The members of indie band Tall Building are seated on the floor, legs crossed Indian style in a circle. One of the many singers and multi-instrumentalists in the band, Ricky Martini, is banging melodically on a set of bongos while Aspie Lispen, another of the many talented songwriters and vocalists, sings about kittens and existentialism. Birdie McSun, the man behind many of Tall Building's more melcancholy songs, is mysteriously absent. When I enter the room, they all stop what they are doing and stare at me. "Hello, I'm Cameron Clarke," I nervously explain to them, "I'm here to interview you."

Cool Music For Cool Guys: Hello Tall Building. This is my first interview with a band as popular and influential as you guys, so please excuse me if I get nervous and fuck something up.

Aspie Lispen: Don't worry. We know all about getting nervous and embarrassed.

CMFCG: Thank you.

So how are you all today? I know you were just playing a show here. How did that go?

Buncen Bern: Oh man, the dudes who run that place are real nice guys. They gave us free coffee! I'm telling you, that place has a fantastic atmosphere.

Ricky Martini: I don't drink coffee cause it is addictive. I would rather draw pictures and examine life.

CMFCG: So how did you guys end up meeting and forming a band?

AL: Well, Ricky and I met in Kindergarten. We met Birdie and Buncen in the fourth grade. We decided to form a band last year when we were out on a camping trip in the woods behind Kimya Dawson's house in Olympia, WA. We brought a 4 track and our ukuleles and recorded our debut EP, Branches, there, around the campfire.

CMFCG: And now you have a full-length out called Sailboats in the Forest. Could you tell us more about that? For example, where did the inspiration for the title come from?

RM: The name Sailboats in the Forest represents our struggle through life. It's like we have to sail through trees and shit, and it's near impossible.

CMFCG: That is pretty deep:

BB: It's also sort of about the day I was born. There was a terrible flood, and we had to evacuate the hospital almost immediately after I was birthed. We got on a life raft and ending up floating in a forest for about six days until help arrived. I don't remember it at all but the experience still had a profound effect on me.

CMFCG: I've listened to the album several times now, and I've gotta say, it's amazing.

AL: Thanks, it means a lot to us.

RM: I put a lot of my heart and soul into that record, in fact, it took quite a while to ge the creativity flowing to create such songs as Bunny Rabbits and Flannel Shirt.

CMFCG: I'd imagine!

Now, if you don't mind me asking, where is Birdie McSun?

RM: He is visiting some Tibetan monks to master martial arts and get in touch with his spirituality.

CMFCG: So that means he won't be joining us tonight?

AL: He might. The monastary is only a couple blocks down the street.

CMFCG: What was the inspiration behind the song Milk?

BB: Well one time me and my old friends were walking around a farm with cows at night. One guy started milking a cow out of nowhere. I was really grossed out at first, but slowly I began to realize how beautiful it was. It's really crazy. This stuff, it gives life! Nursing. Beautiful, really.
CMFCG: The song "Vegetables" off of Sailboats In The Forest is particulary interesting. Do you guys have any thoughts on fast food?

BB: It Birdie were here he would write you a fucking novel on the subject! Personally, I try to stay away from it. I love Thai!

CMFCG: Are you guys working on any new music? What do you have planned for the future?

BB: We are actually going for a different style for our next full-length. I'm not really supposed to say anything, but there may be a cameo or two from other collective artists. Let's just pray this shit does not get leaked before release date, it could really hurt our sales.

RM: Anyone who leaks this stuff is facing the wrath of Ricky Martini yo.

AL: We definitely intend to push our sound into a whole new dimension.

CMFCG: Any final remarks?

RM: Fuck the leaf village.

AL: Stay fresh guys. Remember, you are your own people. Never let anyone tell you what you can or can not do!

BB: No. Nothing is final. Everything is eternal, man.

CMFCG: Thank you for your time.

You can stream and/or download Tall Building's new album, Sailboats in the Forest here.

Tall Building - Branches EP

2010-03-28T20:58:00.000-07:00

Okay so according to this band's website, Tall Buildings are a band from some part of the world who write songs about shit in the woods with ukuleles. That sounds fucking gay, but stick with me here.

The first song, "Little Bird" recalls the smooth and mighty vocal stylings of Jeff Mangum on songs like Neutral Milk Hotel's "Communist Daughter." "Spirit In The Sky" is a dark rumination on life and mortality and just why we're all here.

Despite the diverse subject matter and musical styles on this album, there seems to be a constant theme: mixtapes. "Mixtape On Your Bed" finds the narrator in the bedroom of a girl he likes, whom he is unable to admit his true feelings. He leaves a mixtape on her bed (and huffs some of her perfume and maybe smells some of her socks), hoping that she'll find it and listen to it. It has a strong sense of optimism and is one of the most beautiful songs I've heard all year.

"The Sun" is almost as bright as the actual song, with a strong melody sung with with ecstatic glee into the heavens. "Calculator, See Ya Later" is a very melancholy song, with lyrics, again, bringing back strong memories of Jeff Mangum at his Aeroplane Best.

Up to this point, it is already a great album (strongest of 2010 so far, I'd say), but the end is where the best song lies; "Dee Dee Dee" is an energetic and joyful celebration of music and life and nature and dees. Kazoos and 8 part vocal harmonies build into a giant, swelling vortex of beauty.

It is recommended that you listen to this album. Immediately.

Final Score:
10/10

Link to where you can listen to the whole thing for free.

K-os - Yes!

2010-03-27T22:37:00.000-07:00

To-day I am reviewing an album unlike any album before it like seriously in the history of all the shitty music we've reviewed here at CMCG (not CBCG ahaha) this album is different. For one thing, it's ACTUALLY GOOD. Now the single off this album or at least what I'm going to call the single because I like it the best and I obviously decide what songs are successful singles and whats arent cuz hey, i know music!!

So yeah the single is called "I Wish I Knew Natalie Portman" and while that bitch has no titties and liking her is kinda ghey I have to give K-Os some credit for this track. Not only did he steal all the music from a shitty fayglo jam by the band Phallus Planut, but he actually made it sound good! It's also a plus that the video features black cowboys on a road trip with a bag with space inside it or something. I don't know man, I just love black people.

The Natalie Portman Jam is actually so good I don't even have to listen to the rest of the CD to tell you it's easily the best thing I've heard all year, maybe in the history of this review site. (In secret I'm afraid that if I give this CD a negative review, K-os will shoot me because black people are suspicious, but please keep that on the dee elle!)

The following is a short list of ten reasons I love this CD:

1. Black people are cool.

2. Stealing is cool.

3. Black people stealing things is cool.

4. The color red is cool, and the CD cover uses a lot of it.

5. Not getting shot is cool.

6. Connecting with the roots of African American culture(stealing shit) is cool.

7 - 10. At least it isn't fallout boy.

So with those accounted for I will rate this CD:

Fi-... TEN/10

Rouge Wave - PETALIGHT

2010-03-17T18:59:00.000-07:00

O-kay so the music CD I will be reviewing today is pretty interesting. And by interesting I mean thoroughly gaysexual and probably not worth your time unless you like phallic imagery and bitches falling off waterfalls or something.

Back in like 2004 I reviewed the band Owl Shitty befoer any body knew who they were so people knew they sucked. Well this band Rogue Light is a lot like Octagon Pussy because they take an ALREADY SHITTY BAND and make it gayer. The band I am refererering to is Death Crabs For Cutie. The vocalist from this band Rogue Wick (that's a dick joke) is probably the same vocalist from Death Panels just ripping himself off like a money grubbing asshole.

Now this is far from the worst or even most gayest CD I've reviewed for this website (you guys have put me through a lot of shit) but let me just say it's pretty bad. I mean any time a CD has a song on it named after the album or the album is named after the song or some bullshit like that the CD is automatically bad for several reasons. Number one it is just confusing to refer to this CD PERMALIT and also the song PERMALIT without people being like "Hey dude did you mean PERMALIT the CD or Permalit the song" to which the best response would be "FUCK IT LET'S PLAY SOME FOOTBALL" so maybe they could have called the CD something else like Unhetero Jams Vol. 2 or just GAY SHIT. The second reason is it's probably intentionally confusing because unheteros are generally confused themselves by the way sexuality works (you can't make a baby with two dicks fellas) so they want to confuse you too with their shitty music.

Luckily, there is one way you could easily counteract the clever trickery of these unsavory homosexuals.

DON'T BUY THEIR ALBUM.

Now you might say to yourself "But as a straight male, if I and a bunch of other straight males buy their music, maybe the band will SELL OUT and become STRAIGHT to appeal to us even more." But no dude you're fucking wrong. If you buy this CD in hopes of turning the band straight, they will use their nine volume catalog of dick in male ass tricks to cause you to go gay for them and eveyr other fucking dipshit with a fo hawk so just don't fucking do it. I almost feel like an unhetero for even reviewing this CD but luckily I put my HUGE COCK in so many TIGHT PUSSIES that I couldn't go gay even if I wanted to.

Which I don't.

Ever.

In my life.

So moving right along I guess since I've accuritly and unbyeassedly reflected on the positives (nothing) and negatives (gay ass shit) of this CD I can give it a final score.

/10

Owen Pallett - Heartland

2010-03-17T14:12:00.001-07:00

Okay so Heartland is the first album by Owen Pallett. I guess before this he made music for shitty Final Fantasy games. This is the first I've heard of him, but I guess that's because I'm not a nerd who plays RPGs and touches his penis to tentacle monsters and Japan like this guy.

I guess this is a concept album. I read that somewhere, but I forget where. It sounds like a concept album anyway. Or a fucking opera. OOH STRINGS SO DRAMATIC. LOOK IT'S PETER PAN ON A TIGHTROPE.

Gay.

"Mount Alpentine" is a pretty cool track. There are these really loud strings and the dude is yelling really loud so you can hear him over it. Too bad it's only like 40 seconds long, and when he finally gets through the giant cloud of strings and other bullshit he goes back to meandering along, mumbling over more orchestra shit. Wait, no, THERE SEEMS TO BE SOME SORT OF SYNTHESIZER. SO SPECIAL.

"Lewis Takes Action" is actually pretty alright. There's actually drums in it, and Pallett actually sings (kind of) on it. It actually sounds kind of like a song and not just a giant mass of Cats and Les Miserabadkfsfv garbage.

"The Great Elsewhere" consists of a bunch of beeping and booping. Fucking bori-HOLY SHIT THESE DRUMS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. Okay nevermind this song is kind of awesome. I feel kind of dirty enjoying it though.

Okay the next song is kind of boring and not good. Thank God.

"Lewis Takes Off His Shirt" (while being a super gay song title) is an alright song. There are drums and, uh, wait a fucking minute. How far am I lowering my standards if I'm saying that every song I hear with drums is good just because there are drums? No, fuck you, I'm on to you, Owen Pallett, and you will not get away with this bullshit with me. I'm not even going to listen to the rest of this album. I'm so mad I think I will go outside and beat the shit out of the first small child I run into. And it's all your fault, Owen Pallett. FUCK YOU.

Final Score:
4/10

Vampire Weekend - Contra

2010-03-14T21:53:00.001-07:00

Hello! This is Cameron Clarke, posting his first cool guy review in like 3 months. "Why haven't you posted anything in so long?" Well, you see, I've been living in the woods like Bon Iver, eating only what I kill and wiping the shit off my ass with tree bark. I am back now though, so don't worry.

Vampire Weekend is an indie rock band or some shit I guess. This is their new album and for some reason they have Britney Spears on their album cover. This album doesn't sound anything like Britney Spears. Unfortunately (I say that because this shit is even gayer than Britney Spears).

The first song, "Horchata" is a song about drinking some shit called horchata. If that's anything like chai tea, these people are even gayer than I thought, but I'ma give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that horchata is really just a really obscure brand of rum or tequila or something, and the song is about doing shots of it with lots of cocaine.

"California English" is a pretty sweet song, but only because there's assloads of autotune. I bet if this dude sang without autotune it would sound like wet dicks.

Also, what's with this band and their "ooooooh"ing in the background? Who the fuck do they think they are? The Arcade Fire? Does Vampire Weekend think they're in Where the fucking Wild Things Are?

Another thing I do not like about this album is how some of the tracks start off mid-verse and end mid-chorus. Like "oh look at me I'm so avante garde" well fuck you, asshole, it's just shitty. Of course the rip I got off soulseek could just be fucked, but I'ma give soulseek the benefit of the doubt and assume that everything I get from it is perfect and any faults in the album can be blamed on the band.

Anyway, overall, this album is kind of shitty. I mean, yeah, cool, beepy boopy, shitty drums, blah, blah, I get it. I got it on the first album, which wasn't very good either. But hey, what do you expect from a band named after a Twilight book?

Final score:
4.3/10

My Review Of Isaac Asse.

2010-03-12T12:36:00.001-08:00

Recently it has come to my attenshin that referreeing to black people as black people has suddenly become RACSIST.

I would like to personally think Isaac Asse for letting me know the grave misstep I made in my re-view of that new shitty Godzillas album in refefrering to the black people that appear on that album as black people and not just people.

Since we heer at Cool Music For Cool Guys are fair and balanced reviewers of soshil media in audiologikal form I thought it would be fitting that I reeward mister Asse with a review of his review blog as repayment for him letting me know what a racsit fucktard I am.

Let me start off by saying that Issic is a confirmed unheterosexual, but I am going to try and give him a fare reviewing desprite that.

Isaac is a self proclammed Media Journalist which basically means he is a stupid fucktard who sits at his computer and types reviews for shit nobody really cares about and then pretends people will actually read them when he posts them to his .blogspot.com. Alex and I are a lot alike. I like him. I don't like Isaac.

Mr. Ass usually reviews albums by bands that suck and a couple bands that don't suck. My biggest problem with Isaac is that being that he is a huge faggot, he usually judges an album completely wrongly, giving grade A arteests like the White Stripes FUCKS/20 and gay ass retards like Scroobious Peep (Who the fuck is that?) 10/9s.

Now if you're smart like me which you probably aren't you came to the obvious conclusion that Mr. Asse is being paid off by all of these uncouth GAY MUSICIANS to give them positive reviews and bash their competition. By being paid off I mean fucked in his gay hole.

My other huge complain with Ivan is that he claims I am a racist. Work with me here Arturo, you're saying you read all of my other reviews liked them and you came to this one and didn't like it just because I used the words "black people" like three or fourteen times max? What about all the unhetero bashing I do?

I feel like that should bother you more since you are obviously a complete and total FAGGOT.

Oh well, this is exactly what I'd expect from some unhetero tool douchebag who probably doesn't like football hockey beernuts or hooters.

FINAL SCORE:

QUEERBAIT/10

Gorillaz - Bullshit Beach.

2010-03-01T15:12:00.000-08:00

Sup sup y'all, it'z yoru bboy ERIN E-SURANCE LOL back again to rate another unhetero album that nobody likes. This time around we got Gorillaz new album At The Beach and let me just say BOY OH BOY MONKEES YOU FUCKED UP!

I feel sorry for the Godzillas because they decided to actually mail me a copy of this steaming pile of shit in the hopes of me giving it an A Plus Out Of Ten or some shit but they should've known that isn't my got dam style.

Let me just say their first album Nutellas was a pretty good attempt at making something that doesn't sound like shit, and their second CD Demon Dicks had that one song with Jay-Z or one of those other black guys who rhymes words because he doesn't know how to sing that was A-Okay. Feel Gay, Inc. or something it was called.

But this album... This album is SHIT.

There's only one song on it that doesn't make me want to fucking SHOOT MYSELF and even that one is called SUPERFAG JELLYFISH.

Most of the songs are so fucking boring I turned them on,

Walked away,

Read a book,

Walked back,

Took a nap,
And was still only halfway through the boring monotonal shit of this CD.

One of the songs Stylish is just a single loop of music OVER AND OVER AGAIN with very slight variations and with different black people sounding like black people over it. FUCKING STUPID.

I think the Gunkillas really played a big joke on their fans with this CD but they didn't fool me any.

SELLOUTS.

FINAL SCORE:

GAYRILLAZ/10

Owl City - Ocean Eyes

2010-01-30T21:48:00.000-08:00

O-kay here it is my review of Hoot Village's new CD Oh Sean Ayes. Now let me just say there is a multiple tude of problems and bonueses to trhis CD that many people will either like or FUCKING HATE. Me personaly I might like the musica if this dude wasn't such a raging FAYGET. I mean come on buddy insomnia is not your musical inspiration its money you dipshyt.

Basically this listening CD listening to it is a lot like putting your ear down on a plate of pancakes it's very syrupy but after I while you will feel awkward and a little unhetero. Many other people use words like vibrant lush multilayered fascinating inspirational awe inspiring and cool but not me because I'm not a huge FUCKING HOMO. Basically its just sum dude who sat down in his basement with a K C O and was like hey look at me MTV I make music too and then MTV was actually fucking stupid enough to give him a record contract and a rap video with bitches in it only this faggot does not make good music about shooting people he makes BULLSHIT about not being able to sleep.

Here is one example of some of the lyrics on this CD Hello Seattle I am an albatross.

Are you fucking kidding me Conor Obherst? First of all shout out to all my dudes in Seattle who DEFINITELY AREN't GHEY ENOUGH TO LIKE THIS CRAP. Second you are obviously not an albatross because an albatross doesn't know how to sing you douche.

Never before have I ever been mailed a CD to review for free (of course I didn't pay for this garbage) only to put it in my 1989 CD Player and have it FUCKING LIE TO ME.

Srsly.

I might not be so mad about this CD totally sucking GOAT COCK if this guy wasn't like a quadruple platinum artist with this BS. I mean I work hard on music every single day and have only made like 2 dolalrs off my music but this loltard cna make as much off his CD as McDonald's makes in a week are you fucking kidding me?

FINAL SCORE:

FAST FOOD WAGES/10

Morningwood - Diamonds and Studs

2009-12-17T10:26:00.001-08:00

Okay so Morningwood is the side project of Lady GaGa, a tranny married to the guy from My Chemical Romance. They make "powerpop" that sounds like some "I'm a Barbie Girl in a Barbie World" TRL shit from the '90s. Apparently they have a new album, and this is it.

The first song, "Best of Me" is catchy I guess. Lady GaGa's vocals are kind of annoying on it, but the lyrics are good at least. Just kidding, I don't know what the lyrics are about. Actually, I heard something about "pointing and clicking" so I'm guessing it's a song about looking at porn, which is gross. Just imagine, as you're listening to this music, a tranny looking at porn. What kind of porn? Probably tranny porn. Or do you think trannies look at regular porn? Either way, it's sick.

The next couple songs follow the same formula as that song. Drums and guitars and GaGa squeaking away. Thankfully though, 5 tracks in, we get the beautiful "Snobby Little Elf" a song that opens with some fantastic piano playing and GaGa singing the best lyrics on the album "Hold me closer Tiny Dancer/Count the headlights on the highway/Lay me down in sheets of linen/You had a busy day today" he/she belts out in the chorus. By far the best song of the year. And you'd better have a kleenex ready for this one folks, because the song is a real tearjerker.

Unfortunately, the rest of the album follows the same formula as the first 4 songs; somewhat catchy, somewhat obnoxious powerpop.

The last track is the worst on the album, which is weird since the last track on the album is supposed to be the best. It's called "Cat In A Box" and describes the singer dropping a kitten into a steel box full of sharp objects and listening as it squirms and suffocates to death. Someone really needs to call PETA on this man/woman before he/she hurts more animals for the sake of music. Maybe it would be worth it if more of said music was more like "Snobby Little Elf," but it's not, so why do it? Disgusting.

Final score:
3.7/10

Bowerbirds - Upper Air

2009-11-25T08:37:00.000-08:00

Okay so Upper Air is the second album by the Bowerybirds. They're from North Carolina or some other bullshit Carolina I think. Who cares.

First of all, the coolest thing about this album is the cover art. And even that is a generic ass picture taken from the window of a plane flying over some fucking clouds. I bet the Bowerybirds (who are hipster as fuck) thought "WHOA LOOK AT THIS NATURE PICTURE IT WOULD BE A GREAT ALBUMS COVER WE'LL BE SO HIP" well guess what, motherfuckers? It's not hip. It's gay, and you're a queer for thinking it's cool.

The music itself is your usual hipster garbage. Terrible recording quality, OMgEXoTic instruments like accordions and some guy mumbling and yelling while banging on his acoustic guitar. I get it dude, you're indie. Happy now, indie man? I bet you fucking are you asshole.

Oh yeah, there's a chick singer too. Her name is "Beth Tacular" (fake hipster name), and she is the worst female vocalist I have heard since that bitch from the Sonic Youths or whatever. Tone-deaf and squeaky. Gross.

Also, their lyrics are dumb hippie shit. "DON'T HURT NATURE AND EAT ANIMALS"- direct quote from one of the songs. I don't know which one, but believe me, I'm telling the truth. Their lyrics are really that goddamn dumb and preachy. I bet they don't really even care about nature. They're just pretending to for indie cred. Despicable.

Overall, this album is really bad, but you'll probably like it if you blindly enjoy everything certain hipster indie guy blogs that rhyme with bitchcork tell you to.

Final score:
2.5/10

Even Ecks Outrage - The Moon Strikes Back Before 2012

2009-11-23T12:34:00.000-08:00

O-kay today your B-Boy ERIN E-SURANCE is taking on a very controverisial album by the band Uncle Oddrage or something like that. The band is helmed by my friend Nils Rasmussen (he likes to be called Ed during sexual intercourse) and they have been pretty good so far but this new album takes things into a whole new world, a dazzling place I never knew. But when you're way up here it's crystal clear that all is not right in Uncle Xrage ville.

Now I will be the first person to tell you this, the Casadilla Album by Even U Odd is one of my favoritest CDs to date with tracks like Superbowl that talk about how you're gay if you don't like the superbowl and the song Astronaught which is about being the most pro professional ever. I mean it's just a catchy CD with the most minimal amount of unhetero material. Quite a lot of bang for you bucks if you put it on for some doe if you feel me bro.

So anyway it is surprised me to find out that Nils (Or Ed) decided to make his music a lot more shitty and generic in this endealor than in previous works such as The Early Yeast. Basically he took at all the cool FX like Nine Inch Nails had and replaced them with PENIS. Basically it is like if Mindless Self Indulgence (gays) and Blink 182 (old washed up gays) made a CD together and decided to call it "SHIT NOBODY WANTS TO LISTEN PART 2: THE MOON LIKES BLACKS." To be honest there is nothing wrong with black people unless they like this CD because liking this CD means you are a failure of a man. The only person who really lieks it is Nils/Ed/Todd/Whateverhtefuckhisnameis, and even he doesn't like it too much. I mean, that dummy is giving it away for free! Really, it's so bad he has to give it away because no one would pay for it because you might as well pay for a razorblade to cut your dick off with before you drop 50 bones on this horrible garbage.

But since the CD is free and I like free things I will now be giving it a 10.

PSYCHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

So Bad You Should Have Paid ME To Listen To It/10

UNCLE OUTRAGE'S SHITTY MYSPACE!

A BETTER BAND ED IS IN!

Weezer - Raditude

2009-11-13T04:50:00.001-08:00

Okay, so this is the first Weezer album I've listened to. I'm not gonna bother telling you who they are, since apparently fucking everyone knows who they are and listens the shit out of their albums except me.

First of all, the album cover and title are both amazing and probably the only reason why I decided to listen to this. Probably a good call, because this album is awesome.

Actually, I didn't listen to the album at all (apparently they stopped streaming the whole thing on their MySpace page), but I am going to rate this album based on the album cover and album title alone, which is

Final score:
10/10

Rammstein - Liebe Ist Für Alle Da

2009-10-15T06:05:00.001-07:00

So it's been a couple years since Rammstein blessed us with their last full-length album, Rosenrot (the highlight of which being a song in fucking Mexican, but that was basically an album of b-sides so fuck you). If you expected them to get shittier or something, well, nah.

If you heard the "Pussy" single (with its amazing video) that was released last month, you'd know that this album was going to be fucking ca$h as all hell.

It opens with "Rammlied" which I guess is a kind of alright song, but it works well as an opener, pretty much telling you what the fuck to expect. BIG GUITARS, TILL SINGING ALL DEEP LIKE HE'S TRYING TO SOUND LIKE HIMSELF BACK IN '98 OR SOME SHIT, GERMAN LYRICS ABOUT BUTT RAPE etc., etc.

That's pretty much the album right there, though there are a couple parts that really stick out, like "Früling In Paris", which is nice as fuck (think "Seeman" or "Ohne Dich" type shit), and "Pussy" which is still the best song ever.

"Roter Sand", the last song on the album is pretty nice too, but most Rammstein album enders are nice, so that's kind of a given. I could do without the fucking 98989 alternate variations of it in the bonus tracks, but whatever.

Overall, fuck yes, this album rules.

Final score:
9.2/10

PS. If you are wondering why I actually kind of (half-assed) reviewed this album instead of, you know, just kind of talking about Nazis and German shephards and shit, uh, you know. Probably has something to do with sleep deprevigiationvcv.

Also Rammstein is srs business guys.

Dead Man's Bones - Dead Man's Bones

2009-10-06T22:23:00.001-07:00

Okay so first off, Dead Man's Bones is a band that consists of two shitty actors no one has ever heard of before. I've read a few internet articles about them and they're all "holy shit, listen to this band, the band members are actors who were in a couple movies that were in select theaters for a full weekend a piece and also a children's choir! How wacky!"

So I guess these actors decided "let's make a fucking Halloween album because our other completely original idea, doing a Christmas album, was stolen by Bob Dylan!" A Halloween album is exactly what this is, and a boring one at that. I guess it's supposed to be creepy or some shit, but it's not. I'm not scared of the Haunted Mansion Disney ride (I AM scared of the shitty Eddie Murphy movie based on the ride, but for completely different reasons). Are you? Exactly. It would take a real pussy to be scared of this music, and I am no pussy. You might be a pussy, but I am not a pussy, okay? Okay. Fuck.

What about the actual music and songwriting? Well, it's kind of shitty. I mean, it sounds like some gay Nightmare Before Christmas shit. What are we, Hot Topic-shopping mallgoths? Fuck no, we're cool guys who buy our clothes and music from Wal-Mart like every other real American hero. This is not music for real American heroes, this is music for traitors to our country. The singer even sounds like a brit (which is never good).

Overall, it is boring and for goth kids, but some of it is kind of nice if you're listening to it on Halloween maybe.

Final score:
3/10

Note: the score would have been 4/10, but there is that children's choir thing, and children are lame and no one likes them.

AFI - Crash Love

2009-10-04T14:13:00.000-07:00

O-kay sorry it has been forever since I reviewed I have been busy getting laid doing drugs and just generally being more badass than you but o-kay today I am reviewing a CD and well there's a surprise ending with this one let me tell you this is the most reactions a CD has got out of me in a while.

Let me just say as I listened to such timeless hits as Torch Song, Beautiful Thieves, and End Transmission I thought wow this might be the best CD of all year maybe of the last year and a half even so like yeah it's a great CD. Listen to it and you will be shocked by how genuwinely good it is but there is one little problem.

After I finished (that's wut she siad lol) I decided to go and google image search these musical geniuses (AFI? what does that even stand for?) and then guess what I am met with?

A huge collection of pictures of guys that are total fagets I mean good god how cna your music be so good but you can look so gay? I feel like I've been living a lie or something I mean fuck it, I don't like this band, they are faygs and you never heard me I say I liekd them.

Since these guys are obviously unhetero commies I must dock most of their points, musically the CD has a lot of good stuff singing guitars and maybe even drums I am too shocked right now to remember.

One of the memebrs even has some gay Elvis haircut like come on dude maybe in the 1920s lol. I am not gonna bother linking a picture because I would probably get arrested for linking that obamanation on such a high class website as blogspot.

FINAL SCORE:

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-/10

Rammstein - Pussy (Single)

2009-09-18T15:46:00.000-07:00

Okay, so Rammstein is a band. They are from Germany. They sing in German. This is their new single.

So first of all, look at the fucking cover art. It is amazing. Now imagine that cover art in musical form. That is pretty much what you get with this nice new single.

"Pussy" finds Rammstein at their lyrical best, dropping poetic lines such as "steck bratwurst in dein sauerkraut" and the A+++++ chorus of "You've got a pussy/I've got a dickuh/so what's the problem?/Let's do it quick!"

Musically, it is also some of their best, their mallgoth-pandering guitar chugging replaced with cool keyboards and poppy guitars.

The b-side, Rammlied, on the other hand, is more of the same Herzeleid bullshit. I had read somewhere that they were trying to go back to the sound of that album, which is dumb because that album sucked save, like, 3 songs.

Anyway, not even that shit can bring "Pussy" down, and because of that,

Final Score:
99999999999999999/10

Also, you can watch the AMAZING FUCKING VIDEO for "Pussy" here. It is recommended that you watch it at work, with your employer looking at what you're doing over your shoulder.

Grizzly Bear - Veckatimest

2009-09-16T21:56:00.000-07:00

Okay so Grizzly Bear is an indie band from the United States, and they make, uh, I don't even know what kind of music. Let's just stick with indie.

If you're a hipster, you probably remember Grizzly Bear from a couple years ago when they released their album Yellow House, which hipsters loved the shit out of (even though it was just a bunch of fucking oooohs and aaaahs with reverb up da butt).

Well Veckatimest is Grizzly Bear's fourth album. Actually it might be the third. I don't know. If you care so much go look at wikipedia or something. Anyway, this album is a pretty big improvement from Yellow House. And by that, I mean there are actual songs with melodies now and not just a a bunch of echoey bullshit.

That's not to say the album is not boring, however. This shit drags on for like an hour. Apparently they never get tired of whispering and oohing and aahing, but I sure do. If they could have made this album about half as long it would have probably been twice as good.

Highlights include "Two Weeks" and "While You Wait For The Others." And by that I mean they're the only real highlights. Only real catchy songs in like an hour of mediocre garbage. And, like, are they even really that good? NO. Fucking oohs and aahs. EVERYWHERE.

Anyway, here are the pros and cons of this albums:

Pros:
- Hipster bitches love it. I bet the singer gets more pussy in a week than you will in your entire life. And that fucking sucks.

Cons:
- It's not good.

Overall, Final Score:
BOOOOO, AAAAHHH/10

OM - God is Good

2009-09-05T23:28:00.001-07:00

I do not condone drug use, but I think in order for you to enjoy this album by indie rock band OM, you will have to be on drugs.

The first song is called "Thebes" and it is like a half hour long. That's right, apparently this band thought it would be a great idea to write a long ass song about an Egyptian king. Not only is it long, but it is also boring. Is it really too much to ask for for a band to write a long song that isn't just repeating the same shit over and over again? They go all electric with drums and shit like halfway through, but that is pretty predictable and not really much change at all. I dunno, shit's just not prog enough for my sophisticated taste I guess.

The vocals sound like the guy from the Sex Pistols, meaning they suck. This is shit we hear way too much in indie rock, and I really wish these stupid brits would just lay off and go back to making tea and crumpets and shit and leave the music to the real American heroes.

Also, the guitar sounds like shit in all these songs. They're clearly going for an "indie Metallica" kind of thing, but you just can't do that when your guitar sounds so fuzzy and bad. It's like they just plugged their guitars directly into their sound cards and let the natural sound card distortion distort their guitars.

The lyrics are alright I guess. Wait, no, they're probably not. I don't know, I didn't pay attention to them. I bet they're about Egypt and Diablo II and those Brendan Frasier Mummy movies anyway.

Anyway, I think I will copy Mr. Mysinger for this review and give the album two separate scores.

Final Score:
4.6/10

Final Score ON DRUGS:
7.5/10

Volcano Choir - Unmap

2009-09-04T20:00:00.000-07:00

Okay, so at this point I am getting sick of all these fucking band guys making albums under band names other than their main bands that sound just like stuff their main bands would make. I feel like I have only reviewed like 3 bands total here, with 98988989 variations of those bands. God damn.

Anyway, I guess Jon Bon Iver (of indie band Bon Iver) thought it would be funny to make a Bon Iver record under a name other than Bon Iver. It's not even a funny joke, it's like he just wanted to screw up people's last.fm charts.

This is pretty much the same folky Bon Iver shit you would expect. Lots of acoustic guitars, lots of reverb, lots of multitracked vocal harmonies, lots of beard, etc., etc. The only difference I hear is the addition of little electronic beeps and boops and the complete absence of real words (actual lyrics from one of the songs: "skibbity squee squeee squibble squib"). I know no one could understand what he was saying before, but seriously now, what the fuck?

Actually wait, no, there are words in a song. The song is "Still" and the lyrics are taken from an already existing Bon Iver song called "Woods". And it's the same autotuned bullshit repeated for like 20 minutes. And by the lyrics being taken from that song, I mean the whole song was reused. They just added some fancy ebows and drums and shit and called it a whole new song. This is a horrible case of song recycling, and I can not honestly support this type of fraud.

Do not buy this album. Download it! But don't listen to it.

Final score:
2.7/10

The XX - XX

2009-09-02T15:37:00.001-07:00

Okay so I wasn't even going to listen to this album until someone told me to. "It is awesome and you will love it, Cameron" this person said. This person might have been smoking crack. I am not sure. But I do know that person is a fucking asshole for recommending this bullshit to me.

First off: Chick vocals. They always suck and are always boring and generic (unless we're talking, like, Carole King).

Second: Bored male and female vocals. Fuck this. If I wanted to watch Juno and listen to a Moldy Sonic Peachy Youth record I would listen to that.

Third: Shitty band names. It took me like an hour to find the fucking album cover for this. I mostly got porn. I bet when they were naming the band and album they thought "golly gee, naming us after porn will be so clever and funny" but jokes on you, assholes, I like porn.

Those things aside, this record is kind of nice in a "will make hipster bitches wet" sort of way. I can't see many dudes listening to this album (and enjoying it).

As you listen to this album, you will probably notice "doesn't this sound like that awful Peter Paul and Bjork band with that stupid whistle song people were shitting themselves over a couple years ago?" Well know that you are not alone. I would accuse of this band being that band, but unlike with those other guys, I have actually made it halfway through one of their albums before feeling an intense desire to turn it off punch the first person I saw in the face. So basically this band is better. Not by much though.

I mean, yeah, I get it, drum machines and acoustic instruments, whispery dreamy vocals, reverb up the ass, etc., etc. It would be cool to focus entirely on the sound and not the songwriting if you were actually doing something new, but these dudes aren't. They are just being boring. That's alright I guess, if you're into boring, which apparently a lot of people are.

Final Score:
3.14/10

The Mountain Goats - The Life of the World To Come

2009-09-01T16:31:00.000-07:00

Okay, so for all of you who do not know the Mountain Goats, they are an indie folk band fronted by Weird Al Yankovic under the alias "John Daniel." I don't know why the fuck he is bothering to use an alias when you can tell from his voice that it's him singing. Why not just release this shit under his real name? I don't know and I don't think he does either.

Anyway, the album is about the bible, which I personally I think is gay because Christians are stupid and Jesus didn't really exist yeah I am an athiest, you have a problem? Because I will defend my beliefs with all my heart you Christian pig.

But that aside, the album is an interesting mixture of folk music and rock music. I could maybe see myself enjoying this if Weird Al would just lay off the funny voices while singing. Total buzzkill.

Something I don't like is that the song "Genesis 3:23" is totally a lyrically ripoff of Barenaked Ladies' "The Old Apartment" which is dumb. Nostalgia songs make me want to punch people in their necks and backs and pussies and cracks all at the same time.

Another thing I do not like is how all the songs sound the same. I dunno, couldn't Al have put one of those polka songs everyone loves on this to switch shit up? I know it's not technically a Weird Al album, but this guy's gotta know what we expect of him by now, and dammit, he was put on this earth to entertain us.

Anyway, overall it is a pretty good album. The instruments are nice and the songs are also nice. Weird Al just needs to learn to write some better lyrics. It sounds like he's reading a book over instruments. Goddamn.

Final score:
7.2/10

Fam Fatalitees - Never Fucked My Daddy

2009-08-30T17:14:00.000-07:00

(I am not gonna link a picture for this album because I couldn't find any that didn't have two dudes jerkin' each others dicks off o-kay?)

This is my first review in a long time but let me say it will be a good one it might even say your life.

This band is so bad you will probably wonder if this CD was made for anything besides for unheteros to jerk each others dicks off to and let me tell you it wasn't. I did my best to get through the CD so I could actually review it (cuz I always listen to the full CD before coming to a decision, I am a professional) and let me tell you it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. (Yes I have performed an abortion before.)

What is wrong with this CD you might asking me? Well if two twin brothers who have unhetero relations with each other (incest? or just sickening faygness? probably both.) over synthesizers and 2808s from the 60s doesn't sound like a bad idea to you maybe you should find a new review peoples.

Anyways most of the songs on this CD sound exactly the same (nasty) and the band uses a lot of San Diego Sound (gay capital of the world if you didn't know) and it would be a really bland CD by itself but the two fagets in the band turn up the unhetero to 11, making it much more shit.

Unless you eat a lot of Frisco prepared foods and are a "Vega" you probably won't like this CD so don't even listen to two seconds of it.

Seriously.

Final Score: Gay Incest Sex/10

Beirut - March of the Zapotec/Realpeople - Holland EPs

2009-08-24T20:23:00.001-07:00

Okay so I am back from blog-writing vacation. I went to Mexico to check out all the cool Mexican music, and found this gem for you.

Beirut's March of the Zapotec EP is a lo-fi (because Mexicans can not afford good recording equipment) piece of music. There are lots of trumpets and shit. It's pretty sweet. The guy singing has a really nice voice, but I don't like the fact that he is singing everything in Mexican. I dunno, I just think that if they are trying to appeal to American audiences by stealing their music (in disc 2, which I will get to in a moment), they should try singing in English.

Anyway, the songs on March of the Zapotec are nice and they are certainly good, but they are just not great. A couple memorable melodies and some cool horn parts, but other than that, not a whole lot of what their previous full-length, The Flying Club Cup, such a great fucking album.

The Realpeople Holland EP is the better part of the whole thing, though it's pretty stupid because main singer/songwriter, Jack Condom, wants us to think Realpeople is a completely different fucking band just because he is using electronics instead of accordions and trumpets and other wacky bullshit. Fuck you, Jack, this is a Beirut EP.

Anyway, electronic things. It's nice. The vocals are nice, the melodies are nice, the harmonies are nice, the synths are nice. Everything about it is nice. What I don't get though, is why there is no FL Slayer anywhere here. If he uses FL Studio like 100% of electronic music musicians who make electronic music, he should be using the fuck out of FL Slayer, and it is mind-boggling that he does not.

Anyway, here are the scores:

Beirut - March of the Zapotec
7/10

Realpeople - Holland
8.6/10

PARTY ROCK - LMFAO

2009-08-21T16:41:00.000-07:00

EVERYBODY ON SMASH, HANDS IN THE AIR,
I'M FEELIN' ON THAT ASS, LIKE A NIGGAH DON'T CARE!
LIKE A NIGGAH DON'T CARE!

FINAL SCORE: 1000000000/10

White Guys Humping - My Indickerance To It All

2009-08-19T10:31:00.000-07:00

AL-RIGHT O-KAY REVIEW TIME TO-DAY!

This is a review of a CD with a stupid name but it is okay. It is kinda mellow but it is a pretty bro friendly CD and chicks might find it somewhat cumpelling idk wet pussy etc. etc. This band is a lot like the Bear Naked Ladies which is cool they are a bro band.

Generally I do not like CDs with introspectional bullshit but this one is passable. I think if you like indie bullshit you might like this. The guy who does the songs is fat so he definitely isn't a skinny faget and you won't look unhetero for listening to him.

One problem though is the band name, "White Guys Humping?" Come on man it's kind of funny at first but then it's just like why the fuck man. How will you ever get booked anywhere but gay bars with a name like that? And the lead singer is named like Cameron Cocke or something.

OH SHI-

I just realized that that CAMERON COCKE and the CAMERON CLARK who writes for this website might be the same person!!!

And if they are...

That means...

The person who criticizes tons of shitty bands is actually a shitty band himse-

Everything I have been living is a lie.

Guys...

I think I have to quit this website.

FINAL SCORE:
APRIL FOOLS/!!!

Don't download this CD, it will soil your opinion of Cameron.

Yusuf - Roadsinger (To Warm You Through The Night)

2009-08-19T10:21:00.000-07:00

The last time we heard from Yusuf (formerly known as Cat Stevens), he was denied entry into the United States because president Bush found out that he is a terrorist. Well now that we have a terrorist president, it seems Yusuf's music has been allowed back into these Unites States, which I am cool with, I guess.

Normally one would expect Al Queida music to be angrier and have more, like, arab instruments, but this is some hippie folk music shit, which is weird.

The songs are pretty well written for a guy who spent the last 30 years riding camels through the desert and plotting 9/11. "Thinking 'Bout You" is a nice little folky pop song in the vein of some of his older hits as Cat Stevens. One would think it is just a love song, but if you look at the lyrics closer you can tell it is about the pagan hundu god Mohammad.

There are some more hippie songs about how we should all love each other and how Muslim is a pretty cool guy and shit. Overall it is a pretty nice album.

Score:
10/10

Kings Of Lion - Only By The Nig

2009-08-16T08:39:00.000-07:00

O-kay sorry I have again not reviewed in long time I have been busy having a life and stuff like you know I make music for cool guys myself so don't hold me down for not being able to find albombs to review o-kay? I am also having trouble finding new al bums to review but I found one.

Now this CD for music did come out roughly twelve years ago but the radios are just now picking up the single and playing it ALL FUCKING DAY. Yoooooo your sex is on fire? More like oooooh I need to shut the fuck up now.

O-kay so how is the CD? I am listening to it right now and it has a variety of positives and negatives. One is that all the people in the band look like faygs, and you can tell that just by hearing the CD since most people who make this kind of music do but some of them get pussy so whatever to each his own. But it's funny that that is true because the lead singer sings like macho man randy savage or bob hope or that guy Matthew Perry. Not Matthew C. Perry just Matthew Perry you asshole.

Positives about the CD include that unlike most faggy bands like this the music is not played at a Sonic the Hedgehog level that hurts my ears. These songs are not emphasisiseroed with hiss or anything which is nice because if the music is going to be terrible it should at least not cause me physical pain to listen to. Another positive is all the songs have really short names so if you want to emphasees how much you hate a particular song on this CD (even though they all sound the same) it will be esay for you to do so.

The funny thing about this CD is that even though all the songs on it pretty much suck they are all radio singles that get played back to back in a "Music For Pussies" hour on every radio station even ones that don't play this bullshit. If it was just a shitty CD I'd be okay but don't make me hear it so much on the goddam radio okay?

To be truthful this CD will get you SOME pussy from indian bitches, but not as much as the Tokyo Police Clobs which is much more obtuse and bitches respect the obtuse factor and this CD is too mainstream.

Final Score:
3/4

Jdskfkr!

Bon Iver - Blood Bank EP

2009-08-15T11:09:00.000-07:00

So this Bon Iver guy. I guess he hid in a Lincoln Log cabin in the middle of Alabama or some shit to record his first album about a chick leaving him and how his life is a black hole. Well I guess he is back with a new EP this year. Hooray (that was sarcasm).

Well Blood Bank is pretty much more of the same. You know, "hey look at me I'm singing in falsetto like Tiny Tim isn't that so zany" kind of shit over acoustic guitars. The songs are typically boring with lyrics that don't make any sense whatsoever. Example:

I'm up in the woods, I'm down on my mind/I'm building a still to slow down the time - Bon Jovi

That is from the song "Woods" in which those are the only words. Repeated for like 10 minutes, covered in autotune because the guy can't sing (unlike Mark McGrath who just uses it to make cool sounds). Apparently Bon Iver got to listen to the new Animal Collection album before it came out so he could bite their dumb, repetitive style. And how long is this guy gonna attempt to cash in on that "I'M RECORDING SONGS ON MY MACBOOK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WOODS" gimmick, anyway?

The most obnoxious moment on this EP though, is the song "Babys" which has this really obnoxious piano tinkling around forever, driving me crazy. Not to mention the title is spelled wrong. What an idiot, right?

I'm trying to think of something positive to say about this EP. Gimme a minute.

Oh, yeah, the song "Beach Baby" has some slide guitar and that is pretty cool.

Anyway, if you are into boring indie music for indie girls with flowers in their hair, ironic sunglasses and pregnant woman shirts I guess you will like this extended play by the band Bon Iver.

Score:
2.1.4/10

Mount Eerie - Wind's Poem

2009-08-12T08:49:00.001-07:00

I am not going to lie. I am not a fan of black metal. I have had bad experiences with both black metal and the man who wrote the songs on this album, who will not be named for his own sake. You see, the singer of this band, who for the sake of his anonymity I will call "John Smith" broke my laptop with black metal. It makes me very angry so I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Anyway, this album is alright I guess, for being part of such a bad genre. There are a lot of loud guitars and shit. I just don't think it can be called black metal. I mean, John Smith does not scream or yell or gurgle or anything, which is pretty much what black metal is known for. He just kind of talks over guitars. Like he is talking to someone while the music is recording. Because of this, I think I am going to call it "conversation metal." I used to enjoy his cool vocal stylings, but then he broke my laptop. But hey man, bygones are bygones and shit. It's just pretty messed up that he did that to me.

There's a song on this album that I was listening to once called "Through The Trees" and it was just kind of going on and on for like an hour, being droney and shit. I was like "what the fuck, John, hurry up and do something else" but then I looked at the cd player and saw that it was just frozen. You may be saying that that was my fault, but maybe if I didn't have to spend all my money on fixing my laptop I would have been able to buy a real copy of the album instead of making a burned one with mp3s I downloaded. But whatever man, that's neither here nor there.

Overall, the album is alright. Kind of. Maybe. I guess.

Score:
__/10

I have decided to withhold giving it a final score until John pays me back my $800 or, like, sends me a signed vinyl copy (vinyl is strictly for cool guys like me) of this album and, like, a tape of him doing various interpretations of the song "Tiny Dancer" by Elton John.

Ball's in your court, John.

Dr. Massive Weave - Bedside Manner II

2009-08-12T08:33:00.001-07:00

O-kay sorry it has been a minute since my last review, I'm sure all two of you who subscribe to this blog really gave a fuck that I didn't write a review for like a day or two. But fuck you guys you don't deserve an apology you fucking fagets because neither one of you commented on how GREAT the banner I made was so why don't you unsubscribe now you ungreatful cock burns.

O-kay on to the review. Today I have a special treat for you guys like short bus special this shit is silly as fuck.

Basically no one will know who this is but I am reviewing a CD by this gay kid who constantly tries to hit me up for music lessons, nudes, and my phone number, but I don't give him any of that shit because I only like girls. So when he found out that I am into shit with vaginas he actually tried to go out and get one himself. Pretty pathetic right?

His "band" (which is basically just him, a vibrator, and Oprah Winfrey's pubic hair made into a burka) is called Dr. Massive which is funny when you consider that he has a really small penis. The CD is called Bedside Manner II which means not only has this shitty fucking band had more than one CD album for musical purposes but that this is a direct sequel to some bullshit fucking Alien Versus Predator II (but not as good) style.

Okay on to how it actually sounds basically this kid tries as hard as he can to impress me by sounding like a real girl but you're not fooling anyone pinnutsackio you sound stupid as shit like are you singing or just talking into a microphone?

This CD will not appeal to anyone, not your bros, not your bitches, nobody except maybe your unhetero cousin who you wish wasn't in the family. Luckily the CD is only 8 tracks long and one of the songs is a Nine Inch Nails cover and there's pretty much no way to make that faget sound anymore terrible, especially not now since he's fat huh guys?

The only real use for this CD is to go to pro wrestling events and play it so everywhone who likes pro wrestling will know how stupid and unhetero they are, or you could maybe take it to a gay pride parade (seriously how is that shit even legal) and remind them that they are not in God's plan and thus they can't make music that anyone can actually stand listening to.

In fact I know Cameron didn't really like that Green Day CD but if you have to choose between buying that and downloading this for free I would say buy that just because you will get a lot of PHO ANARCHRIS pussy for owning it.

FINAL SCORE: TRANNY ALERT/10

I just remembered there is one good song off this CD and you can see the music video for it right here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iw3r9gteZow

The Decemberists - The Hazards of Love

2009-08-11T08:43:00.001-07:00

For the past however many years they have been together, Detroit's own Decemberists have been writing gay little folk songs about stupid Mary Poppins shit like chimney sweeps and how chief singer and songwriter, Jeff Magnum, wanted to be a Broadway actress ever since he was a little girl. Well no more.

The Hazards of Love is by far the most badass thing they have ever done, which still might not sound very badass to you, but believe me, it is. It starts off with like 10 minutes of organ drone, which is awesome. It's like Magnum is saying "FUCK YOU AUDIENCE, I DON'T NEED YOU. I'M GONNA MAKE MY METAL ALBUM AND YOU CAN'T DO SHIT."

Oh, did I mention that this is a metal album? I read on a top secret cool guy website that the actual genre is "stoner metal" but subgenres are for nerds, so we'll just call it metal.

And not only is the album metal, but it is also a concept album. A concept metal album. Fuck yeah. And the story itself is fucking badass too. It's, like, about a deer man who kills all his kids, kidnaps a fine ass bitch, rapes her, and drowns her or something. It's awesome.

However, there are some moments of pussitude. For example, when singer Magnum name drops the name of the chick from a Japanese animation called Snoradora.

"And so our heroine withdraws to the Taiga" - Jeff Magnum

But I guess it's alright since from the first 10 Decemberists albums we had already concluded that Magnum was a gigantic nerd anyway.

Score:
10/10

Death Magnetic - Metalica

2009-08-11T07:05:00.000-07:00

Okay let me just starting by saying I am a huge Metalica fan me and my bros all love them in a hetero way if you don't believe me just try googling "Metallica" and "Wikipedia" I made both of those websites.

But yeah I am a big Metalica fan but I have to say this CD is a fucking letdown. Death Magnetic? Really Metalica? Maybe you should just call your CD 12th Grade Geometry Explosion or something cuz that is a gay as fuck CD name. I mean what the fuck does it even mean Metalica? Probably some fucking plate alignment three suns bullshit and I am sick of these fucking "metal" bands trying to get all scientifical and MATHCORE on me, fuck you guys, I am not listening to this shit to like, think about things and know intellectual facts. If it isn't printed on the back of a basketball card odds are I don't give a fuck!

This CD is a lot like Metalica's other CDs but also a lot different. It is kind of like this take any other Metalica CD that was ever made and call it coke then fill it up with ice and let it set for 3 days and you pretty much have this CD. Yeah that's right Metalica, I'm calling you out, this CD is watered down bullshit.

In fact you guys might as well go ahead and change you're name to just Meta because you're seriously about half the band you used to be I lost all respect for you guys you used to rock hard then you got all old and fucking lame. Could any of the members of Metalica (or Meta as I am sure they will choose to be called from now on) play in the Superbowl? No. Even Pete Wangz from Fallout Bitch could do that you fagets, maybe you should have spent less time suing people and being pussies and spent more time making sure you didn't forget how to make the goddam metal music.

In fact Metalica I hope everyone who has heard this CD got it off Naptakers or Lamewarez because this fucking CD blows and you don't deserve to make a penny off of it you fucking dicks.

FINAL SCORE: LISTEN TO LIL WAYNE INSTEAD/10

PS this CD will not get you pussy because Metalica are a bunch of old fagets and bitches only like old guys with money and these dooshbags spent all that on suing people for downloading their old good music and then came out with a fuck poor CD like this which is unhetero and probably made TWO FUCKING DOLLARS.

Green Day - 21st Century Breakdown

2009-08-08T03:25:00.000-07:00

Now I know what you're all thinking right now. "Cameron, I thought you were a cool guy with only the finest and hippest of tastes? Why would you review something as lame and unhip as Green Day?" Well shut up douchebag, I'm getting to that.

Green Day used to be good. Just kidding. They were always bad, just they used to have a couple good songs here and there and didn't take themselves as srsly. Now they think they are Jesus of Suburbia and all their songs have to have deep intellectual and conceptual meanings behind them. And that is pretty gay.

21st Century Breakdown is Green Day's 342nd album, though it is only their second in what I see as a long line of unlistenable and laughably srs albums about how the government is bad. It follows the story of two young lovers who-... you know what, I don't even know what it's about. Not that it matters since it's Green Day, so you know it's gonna be something stupid and preachy.

Unimportant story aside, the music bothers me. On many different levels. Like, pretty much every song I feel that I have heard before on the radio. In the late '90s, early '00s. 2000s. Two thousands.

Anyway, not only that, but every song fucking starts off the same. Billy Joel Armstrong singing a nice little melody over a piano or acoustic guitar or something, then the drums coming in all DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN and then fucking CUE THE POWERPOP PUNXK ROCK POWERCHORDS TO MAKE THE TEENAGE GIRLS WET. Which is a cool little trick I guess for a bit, but every single fucking song in the first half of the album starts off like that.

And the album is fucking long. Like, rap album long. Just unlike your average 70 minute long rap album, this is not fun or entertaining at all. Well I guess "Know Your Enemy" was supposed to be the cool, fun anthem of the album (it was the first single), but it's just annoying. Solid 3 minutes of the same obnoxious guitar riff, some whoa whoa whoas and Billy Joel's vocals reaching 98898989 on the shit scale. Thankfully though, the song is saved by one of the most interesting, melodic and complex guitar solos I have ever heard.

Overall, this album is one of the most mediocre I've ever heard. Green Day should go back to making songs about masturbating to pay-per-view porn. Or maybe that was another band. I don't give a fuck.

Score:
3.5/10

MANLESS SELF IDENTITY - IF YOU LIKE THIS CD BUY IT

2009-08-07T18:00:00.000-07:00

O-kay it's time for yet another review by yours truly and today I have quite an interesting concept album for which I am to be reviewing. The CD is by a band that most people call MSI because their stupid ass name is too fucking long for anyone who is the least bit hetero to say. I mean SUPER BOWL is really the point of syllaballic stopping for me if you have more syllables than the super bowl fuck you.

But that is not to say this is a bad CD it's just an unhetero band name o-kay? Basically I have heard every other Mind Lease songs and shit including this CD because when I review a band's album I want to know if it is their best album because really I am a tough guy and I don't have time to review bullshit. It is safe to say that this is their best attempt at doing anything anyone will want to listen to and really it shows. This album has a lot more thoughtful and tough elements to it compared to their other CDs this CD is a lot less about sucking dick and a lot more about getting pussy and beating people up and also wearing smoking jackets and just being a lot more settled into manhood than that fagety experiment with boys bullshit this band is known to put out. This CD even has piano which is a pretty manly instrument (if you don't believe me google "Beethoven" mad pussy guys mad pussy) and I guess Jimmy Uran (I think he's a middle easterner but not the terroist kind) actually learned an fucking instrument for this CD.

Just look at the CD sales if you don't believe me how many copies a CD sold is equivalency to how many bitches own it and who will suck your dick if you like bands they like so yeah.

Another good thing about this CD is the band finally takes themselves seriously and if you go see them play live (faget) you will notice that Jimmy Uran no longer feels the need to tell a shitty joke between each song, now it has been relieved to a shitty joke between every five songs and that's good. Also this CD is a lot shorter than their others (30 songs? come the fuck on guys I could paly a game of football with that much time on my hands or fuck like 2 or 3 chicks) and that is a high point for me.

Needless to say that while this is their best CD and I like it a lot and it might get you girls, this band is still complete and utter shit and if you like music like this you could buy an album or two from a better band in the same style (Electric Suicide Method anybody?) so yeah in closing I give this album a final solution of this:

FINAL SCORE: O-kay But Still Kind Of Shitty/20

You can find better music than this band here:

BETTER BAND'S MYSPACE

Animal Collective - Bank of America Pavilion

2009-08-07T05:08:00.000-07:00

I'm not gonna beat around the bush here folks. This album is a fucking mess. Everything about it. From the stupid music that doesn't make any sense to the stupid album art that looks like a 300x300 pixel piece of wallpaper that you would find on the bedroom walls of a drug-smoking hippie. But this is about the music, so I will talk about that.

The songs mostly consist of synthesizers beeping and booping and all that gay shit for what seems like forever. The singers, Tex Avery and Koala Bear have nice voices, but all they really do is sing the same thing over and over and over and over again over the beeping and booping. It is gay and stupid and I do not like it at all.

The biggest problem I had with this album, however, is not how bad the music itself is. No, it was the worst lyric I have ever heard in my entire life. From the song "My Girls":

"I don't mean to seem like I care about material things like a social status/I just want four walls and adobe slats for my girls" - Koala Bear

What the fuck. A social status is not a material thing at all. This guy is dumb. He should go back and finish high school or something (and then get a real job, because music is clearly not his thing).

Anyway, there are some songs that are kind of alright, like "Also Frightened" which sounds kind of like they're covering a Beach Boys or Beatles song or some shit, but then just looped one line for the entire song and cut out the rest. I am listening to this song, and it is like:

"No one should call you a dreamer, no one should call you a dreamer, no one should call you a dreamer, no one should call you a dreamer, no one should call you a dreamer, no one should call you a dreamer, no one should call you a dreamer, no one should call you a dreamer, no one should call you a dreamer, no one should call you a dreamer"

I thought the mp3 was broken or something, but when I got up to change the song after listening to the same line for 10 minutes, the song finally ended. Every single song on this album is completely ruined by the fact that the people making them are retarded and do not know how to write songs that do not have the same exact thing repeated for long periods of time.

Score:
1.4/10

Broken Clyde - I'm Not A Fan But Kids Think I'm Cool

2009-08-07T03:56:00.000-07:00

O-kay another review by your boi Elle Mysinger toughest guy around this review is a review of this CD for music (big suprirse right?) by a band called Broken Clyde. Now it is funny because I was assuming that it was just some guy named Broken Clyde and that you know, it was only one guy like not more than one singlur no plurals. BUT it turns out that Broken Clyde is for example actually made up of like 700 members they are kind of like the Wu-Tang Clan but white and better at making good sounds that I like and the kids do too or so I'm told.

Now let me say at first I thought these guys looked like a bunch of unhetero assbites that I would never buy into but let me say I was wrong about them you cannot judge a magazine by the bikini girl or sports car with suicide doors on the cover this CD will not let you down if you like things by talented young gentlemen who just so happen to dress kind of whacky. I think maybe it is some kind of inside joke they have where they make fun of the vile unheteros by dressing like them in a mocking way maybe these guys have a lot of insight into culture like that.

You may be asking you what makes this CD so good and I am going to tell you right now. Not only can these guys sing but they can also yell. That to me is a big deal because there are some okay singers and okay yellers but very few of them have it down pat with such drive and energy as the fine young gentlemens in Broken Clyde. Another good part about this CD is they take a style of music which I am told is called screamo or "hardcore" which usually involves a bunch of pussies whining about bullshit only in a tough voice and combined it with some African Tribal style known as "crunk" which in the native tongs of the African people roughly means "Cool Music About Drinking A Lot Of Stuff And Then Having Sex With Underaged Girls." It is really cool that the Africans despite living in a ninth level of Hell country can sit around all day and think up words to shorten such a long and hard to type sentence.

So basically this CD is a lot of guys singing very well and screaming also very well about a lot of cool subjects such as like, drinking, having sex exclusively with women, doing drugs, drinking some more, having sex with more girls, and my favorite song "Scene Girlz" which I am not sure what the song is about but the z in the title told me before I even heard it that it was probably my favorite song on the CD.

The interesting thing about this album is that it has some songs that Broken Clyde had already released which were subpar but in order to make this CD worth my money the each of the members of Broken Clyde took voice lessons from R. Kelly and Will Smith as well as that guy from Slipknot so they would know how to do every vocal style you could want on this album.

Girls also like this CD a lot so that's good it is a lot like the Tokyo Hotel CD I reviewed earlier but all of Broken Clyde's fans are sluts (you can see proof on their page) so it's even easier to get laid with.

Before I give this CD a final score I want to let you know about my actual experience points with the song Scene Girlz me and my friends were sitting around watching professional wrestling (not that fake shit) and my friend asked me to put on some good music and I had the I'm Not A Fan But The Kids Think I'm Cool CD on my person (carrying it around in your puffy vest pocket makes you better with women they like this CD) so I put it in my stereo and my friends said "What is this faget unhetero nonsense" and I said just wait and it came to a part of the song where one of the fine young gentlemen in Broken Clyde says "I make you suck my... You thought I'd say dick, but I won't say dick, until you touch my dick" to me it is a feat in itself to be able to rhyme the word dick 3 times in one song and liek I just don't know how they came up with that quality of a timeless line and needless to say all my friends (and I have a lot of them) were hooked.

So in closing I would say this:

Final Score: Badass/10

PS they even got a real black person on this CD so you shouldn't even need a sample to know it's good black people know music O-kay?

DRAG ON FROCE - INHUMANE RAM PAGE

2009-08-06T04:33:00.000-07:00

TODAY I AM BE REVIEWING A CD CALLED INHUMANE RAM PAGE BY THE BAND DRAG ON FROCE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS BUT I AM EXCITED FOR THIS REVIEW. FIRST THOUGH I HAVE TO SAY NORMALLY WE WOULD NOT REVIEW A SOUNDTRACK FOR SOME FUCKING KIDS CARTOON BUT DRAGON BALLS Z IS SUCH GOOD QUALITIES LIKE BEATING PEOPLE UP AND ORGASM SCREAMS THAT IT IS HAS BEEN O-KAYED FOR ADULTS. DID YOU KNOW IN THE UNCUT VERSION IT HAS BLOOD? YEAH ITS TRUE YOU MIGHT EVEN SAY DRAGON BALLS Z IS A LOT LIKE MY LIFE ANYWAY MORE ABOUT THE SOUNDTRACK.

I WILL WORN THOSE OF YOU WITH SMALLER AT TENT CHIN SPANS THAT THIS CD MAY NOT BE FOR YOU BECAUSE AS IT TURNS OUT EVEN THOUGH THE CD ONLY HAS 9 SONGS ON IT EACH SONG IS OVER 20 MINUTES LONG WHICH MEANS IF YOU LISTEN TO THIS WHOLE CD FROM FRONT TO BACK LIKE A WRECK CHORD IT WILL TAKE YOU LONGER THAN WATCHING ALL THREE LORDS OF THE RINGS WRESTLING MOVIE FILMS. BUT IF YOU ARE ABLE TO PAY ATTENTION YOU WILL HAVE A LOT OF FUN THERE IS A LOT OF FACE RIPPING METAL SOUNDS IN THIS CD LIKE PICTURE IF A HARDCORE BAND CAME OUT AND THEY MADE MUSIC WITH ACTUAL SINGING AND REAL INSTRUMENT PLAYING THAT DIDN'T SOUND LIKE SOMEONE WAS JERKING OFF CATS IN THE BACKGROUND LIKE IT'S SO AWESOME YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW O-KAY?

ONE CUM C.E.R.N. I HAD ABOUT THIS CD WAS THAT THE BAND WHO MAKED IT WAS EVEN THOUGH IT IS FOR DRAGONBALLS Z AN AMERICAN CARTOON WITH AMERICAN VALUES AND THE AMERICAN LANGUAGE THEY HIRED THIS BAND TO DO THE CD SOUNDTRACK AND THEY ARE FROM A PLACE CALLED LONDON, ENGLAND, WHICH IS LOCATED IN THE HEART OF NAZI GERMANY. IT TURNS OUT THOUGH THAT THE BAND IS NOT OPPOSED TO THE JEW WISH PEOPLE OR TO ANY RELIGION EXCEPT FOR RELIGIONS THAT DON'T BELIEVE IN DRAGONS. YOU MAY SAY "WHY WOULD I TRUST YOU" WELL FIRST BECAUSE I AM FAMOUS AND SECOND BECAUSE I DID MY RE: SEARCH O-KAY? I KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT DO NOT QUESTION ME BUT NOW THAT YOU DID YOU PISSED ME OFF AND I AM END THE REVIEW.

FINAL SCORE: FUCK YOU/10

THIS IS A GOOD CD TO LISTEN TO DURING THE SUPER BOWL OF BASKETBALL MARATHON BUT YOU PROBABLY DON'T CARE SINCE YOU ARE SUCH A FUCKING ASSHOEL ABOUT EVERYTHING O-KAY GOD.

Sunn O))) - Monoliths & Dimensions

2009-08-06T03:25:00.000-07:00

BRRRRRRRRZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZRRRTTTT

SCORE: 0/10

Sample song.

Elephant Shell - Tokyo Police Club.

2009-08-05T16:20:00.000-07:00

O-kay today I am be reviewing an album for CD by the band Tokyo Police Club called Elephant Shell only I think that's a typo because the only animals I know with shells are turtles and M&Ms.

Basically there are two ways to listen to this CD and both of them will make you look like a faget but one of them will make you not a faget in the long running.

The first way to listen to this CD is by yourself or with men and that will make you look unhetero because this CD was obviously created for 14 year old girls and don't be stupid. You may be questioning yourself and saying "Well didn't you have to listen to this CD alone to review it?" and the answer is no you faget because I know girls.

The second way the good way the not as unhetero way to listen to this CD is with a girl if you know one LOL. I don't know why but like, some scientologist or something with science made this CD so that members of the female race would get very wet in the pussy if they heard it. So like, if you put this on with a girl around she will probably start sucking your dick but that is only if you can get a hard one despite the fact that this fucking unhetero gay parade soundtrack is still playing.

But I should warn you it will not work with all girls of the female race some girls will be too old or too stupid to understand the divine concepts this CD holds. O-kay I will explain it since I am sure you are too not good with girls to get these pictures. Basically there is a kind of girl she is called a hipster she is on the cutting edge of whatever's trendy. So like, a lot of times trendy stuff is bad and hipsters will like it more if it's bad like this CD so basically I just scientifically proved this CD equals mad pussy o-kay?

O-kay on the actual songs. Cameron sometimes reviews each individual song on an album for compact diskette (bet you didn't think I knew what CD stood for huh?) but there is a problem here with me doing that because all of these fucking songs sound exactly the same. I am pretty sure they aren't even in any practicular order on the CD they come on I think it is just ordered by how unhetero each song will make you feel when you hear it. All the songs are about feelings and the songs that aren't don't exist and that's unhetero man. Can I get a song about the Super Bowl or motorcycles or some Dragonfroce you faget?

Basically I will try to describe it for you before you buy the album for contracted disks so you will know what to expect. Think about how it would feel if someone hit theirself in the dick only it happened in your ears that is pretty much this CD. The good thing about that though is if someone hits theirself in the dick and a girl is around she will put her lips on it to ease the injury because girls are nice and definitely don't ever refuse to have sex or go to prom with you.

So in close I would say this CD will have to take two grades because it is shitty for listening to but good as an afro dee seeack so you should try it if you aren't old enough to buy viagra or if your parents won't give you their credit card so you can buy scientifically formulated phereomeons on the internet. I mean this CD is practically one of those itself so deal with it and save some money o-kay? A cool guy is always down to save money. Take your bitch to McDonald's, Olive Garden is inutero.

FINAL SCORE: 12/10

I don't know where you can buy this CD so you will have to find it yourself I am not just gonna tell you how to unlock the ultimate gate way of getting pussy this isn't FUCKING DRAGONBALL Z.

O-Kay First Review. Ryemaker And THe Sky Pirates - Attack Of The Has-Bean Androgyns Or Some Bullshit.

2009-08-05T02:19:00.001-07:00

O-Kay let me just start by saying this review is maybe become a little out of hand like, it is a crazy album o-kay? I have to be crazy to keep up with how out there it is.

It is a lot of deep intellectual savantism and like, there is some electronica Elvis Presley and like, feel good vibes like maybe the CD was made with voodoo magic or jewery.

Basically to understand the CD you are going to have to know the backstory, which I hate about this because like, I am buying your music, if I want fucking stories I will read Angels and Demons or like, Call Of The Cuttlefish or something o-kay?

Basically there is this guy Ryebold or something and like, only he isn't realy a guy he is some alien man who looks like a woman and covers Rick Astraly songs or whoever that guy is.

Well I don't know the backstory is fucking gay basically all you really need to know is like, there is that guy who looks like he's not a guy and he has some backup musicians (I don't think they actually play the instruments it might be staged) and they go around playing at intergalactic shopping malls on airships or something.

So already you can tell it is not a very tough CD for a tough guy to listen to but stay with me here. There are a lot of good and variety of songs on thesis CD but the only problem is they all sound exactly the same because they use all the same instruments like synthesizers and stuff. Like come on guys can I get an instrument with a little culture like maybe you could hit a black person's lips with drumsticks and that could be good.

There is also like this song and I guess it is a redo or a do-over or something and well it's not too good. It is like they tried to play the song in hyperspeedy mode on Guitar Hero and the song ended up being too fast like they are ripping off Dragonfroce with this shit seriously. Can I get a royalty check Reeboks And The Shoesalemens?

I guess for the CD I can give it maybe a 9/10 because it is a good CD to purchase and show your friends how eclectic your tastes are and it is like a coffee table CD you could sit out during like football or when you watch porn with your bros. And if one of your boys asks why you own such a gay CD you can just be like "I know right? Isn't it funny. It was so gay I had to buy it because I was becoming too heterosexual and ladies thought I was too macho and cool to approach me so I bought that CD to cut it back a notch." and you will get in some chuckles and high fives and eat beer nuts.

O-kay lastly I just found out that Repo And The Computer Virus put out a song cover song of Rick Asteley (earlier that was a joke I didn't know it was treu) and like that originally is a tough song. I think it makes a lot of girls wet in the pussy to hear and I was figuring that the Stone Temple Pilots might could do it justice but I was wrong. It turns out on this track Remmick or whatever his name is (I don't think it's his real name folks don't worry) pretends to be some unhetero character named Rick Fagsly. You can think of him kind of as Rameon from Rameon And Juliet only Juliet is really named Julio. Stupid stuff I know. Total let down. There is a video for it too so if you are into unhetero pornos you may like it but I don't suggest it if you appreciate like, the Super Bowl or fine arts like that stuff.

So in closing I guess because of the Travisty they did on the song by Rick Chocolateer I have to lower their score considerably it's like when Kobee raped that girl and so they made him sit out a game or two and the Raptors lost the Grand Prix.

Final Score : P/100

The CD is so bad you can get it here for free from the US Governement (Good guys, good healthcare too) but don't say I didn't warn you it might give you AIDS I don't think the USDA tested this CD for gay rays or any other harmful pathological diseases:

THEIR MISPLACE.COM PAGE

HELLO ELLE MYSINGER HERE.

2009-08-05T02:12:00.000-07:00

From this point forward Cool Music For Cool Guys is not just cool reviews by one cool guy cool cool.

It is double the cool, cool points everywhere, two cool guys, bro comedy starring Seth Rogen and Michael Cera direct by motherfucking George Lucas and that jewish faggot who made Supergood.

You might know me as the greatest musician on the internet and planet Earth.

You can tell all of my reviews will be well rounded and fair already because you know me because I'm famous and like, why would I lie?

Plus it is so obvious I have good mastery of the subject of music like, I have been listening to like Chopin and Red Foxx records since I was in the womb so I think I know what I'm doing.

O-kay?

My will be reviewing albums that Cameron cannot accurately review due to he is a huge faggot.

Thank you and have a nice evening.

Soulja Boy - Gangsta Grillz Follow Me Edition Mixtape

2009-08-04T14:54:00.000-07:00

When "Crank That" hit the internets and radios two years ago, Soulja Boy Tell 'Em was immediately branded a one hit wonder by haters and jealous fucks worldwide. Not too long after that, "Kiss Me Thru The Phone" and "Turn My Swag On" from 2008's follow-up album, iSouljaboytellem proved them all to be VERY wrong. The album itself was not as much of a commercial success as 2007's Souljaboytellem.com, but listening to it, it is clear that that was a marketing mistake ("Bird Walk" was picked as the first single for some reason). In fact, it was much better than its predecessor.

Gangsta Grillz Follow Me Edition Mixtape shows Soulja Boy continuing to improve. And when I say improve, I mean all around improvements. Not only have his lyrics improved ("I'm official/I'm official like a referee with a whistle), but so have his hooks (the autotuned chorus of "Pronto" is especially great). But the biggest and most noticeable improvement is in his flow. On his previous albums, Soulja Boy tended to keep his flow more or less the same, which, understandably, annoyed some people trying to take in the whole thing in one sitting. Here, Soulja Boy switches it up more, even going for rapid-fire speed rapping that brings to mind rappers like Tech N9ne and Twista ("Pow" and "What You Know").

Soulja Boy does pretty much whatever the fuck he wants on this mixtape. Which is both a good and bad thing. On one hand, it's great because finally we get to hear Soulja Boy freely using obscenities (something that was sadly missing from his first two albums). On the other hand though, there is also a bunch of pointless filler, including a scene (literally) ripped directly out of a South Park episode, and a couple tracks of Soulja Boy, I'm assuming high on marijuana, saying nothing in particular. Also the production quality isn't that great. I think Soulja Boy actually mixed it himself or some shit, which isn't bad. It could use a better mix though. Or some shit. I guess what I mean is I would like to listen to it loudly without all the clipping and overly loud vocals sounding like dick on my speakers.

Either way, for just being a mixtape, this is pretty fucking good. And for a preview of what Soulja Boy's next studio album, The DeAndre Way, it is a good ass reason to be excited. Not only is he steadily improving as a rapper, I believe that he may be on his way to being the best.

Score:
8.7

Ps. here is a link to where you can legally stream and/or download the whole thing.

Sonic Youth - The Eternal

2009-08-04T13:28:00.000-07:00

What is it with kids these days and making obnoxious noises with their guitars? Well there's plenty of it on this up-and-coming band's debut album, The Eternal.

The album opens with "Sacred Trickster." I don't remember anything about it other than the fact that the female vocalist, Kim Deal, has the most godawful voice I have ever heard. The next song, "Anti-Orgasm" isn't much better, the male vocalist, Thurston Howell the Third, sounding beyond bored in his delivery. Like, he tries to sing like Bob Dylan. It is fucking mind boggling for me, hearing someone actually wanting to sound like Bob Dylan. Anyway, the "uh uh uh uh uh uh uh"s were fun, but the rest is pretty much anti-fun.

The best moments of the album are when there is no singing at all. The intros, outros and little midsong instrumental interludes are the only real enjoyable parts of this album.

Actually, I lied, there are three legitimately good songs. "Antenna," "Walkin' Blue," and "What We Know" find the band actually singing melodies instead of just kind of yelling over guitar noise.

Overall, the band shows some potential. If they develop their songwriting a bit instead of just trying to focus on sounding like shit, they could be a very good band.

Score:
4.4

PS. it was gonna be 3.4 but, c'mon, it's their first album, I should be going easy on them, right?

Sample: live performance of the song "Massage The History"

Sugar Ray - Music For Cougars

2009-08-03T23:23:00.000-07:00

I'm not gonna lie here, folks. I had some pretty high expectations. Having heard their '90s smash hits "Every Day" and "Fly," I was thinking that Sugar Ray's new album, Music For Cougars, would be, by far the best album of 2009.

Well, I was wrong. Only kind of though. I was expecting a masterpiece full of Sublime-but-good songs, but what I got instead was a bunch of generic radio rock full of autotune. Gone is the lyrical genius of older songs ("I just wanna fly/put your arms around me baby"), replaced with shit that doesn't even make sense ("If you wanna see the rainbow you gotta sit through a little rain" what the fuck is this supposed to even mean?)

However, it's not all bad. The songs are catchy, and, as previously mentioned, covered in autotune, which is the best thing to ever happen to music.

I'm not gonna go into any of the individual songs because, well, none of them really stick out that much. Actually, "Rainbow" is a pretty nice, standout track (yeah, the one with the shitty lyrics). But yeah, other than that, it's just kind of bland, inoffensive pop-rock. Actually, the final song, "Dance Like Nobody's Watchin'" sounds like some kind of Jack Johnson bullshit, which does offend me.

Score:
5.5

Radiohead - In Rainbows

2009-08-03T20:27:00.000-07:00

Do you remember where you were when you first heard the news? I do. I was sitting at my computer, looking at the internet. When I first read about it, my heart sank. I thought it was a joke. I HOPED it was a joke. But alas, it was true; Radiohead would be releasing a new album soon.

That was two years ago.

You may be wondering why I am reviewing this album so late and not doing something, you know, more recent. Well fuck you.

The album starts off with "15 Step", its only distinguishable feature being the fact that it is not in 4/4 time, which automatically makes it really special and interesting. Thom Yorke is in top form here, his voice and melodies both dull and aimless as ever. "Bodysnatchers" shows the band going back to their roots for a bit, returning to U2 cover band status. When asked by an interviewer why the song sounds like some bullshit from an iPod commercial, Thom Yorke replied with "Well Bono has always been my inspiration," "AND THE EDGE IS MY HERO I BASICALLY RIPPED OFF HIS PLAYING COMPLETELY FOR THIS SONG" chimed in Radiohead guitarist Jimmy Greenewoode.

Next is "Nude." At this point, I am noticing that the sound quality of this record is less-than-desirable. Could this be because they did not have the help of major record labels keeping their stuff from sounding like garbage? Or was it because I was listening to the whole thing on youtube on my laptop with the busted sound card? Sure, it may be the latter, but bad quality doesn't make things boring, and this song is fucking boring.

I'm actually not going to finish listening to this album. It's really pretty shitty.

Score:
2.1

WELCOME TO COOL MUSIC FOR COOL GUYS

2009-08-03T20:17:00.000-07:00

ARE YOU A COOL GUY? IF YOU ARE, SWEET. YOU WILL SURELY LOVE MY OPINIONS REGARDING MUSIC. IF YOU ARE NOT A COOL GUY, GO AWAY, FAG.